Nothin’

I feel, as we drawer closer to the end of the year and, thus, the end of this blog, that I should be saying something more…profound. Or meaningful. Or enlightening. Or something.

But I’ve got nothin’. Sorry!

I sent a particular tweet to Carrie Fisher’s dog, Gary, last night, and was both pleased and heart-broken when whoever is running the account “liked” it. It did make me snuggle Brody all the more after, though.

As if I could snuggle that guy more than I already do. Haha

I love that puppy dog so much.

I did a tiny bit of work on my resume yesterday, which was fun. Well…not FUN, exactly, because I sort of hate it. But as I’m not planning to go out and find another job any time soon, re-vamping my “brand” feels kind of fun. Coming up with new ways of expressing my innate awesomeness. Kind of fun. Part of me wants to craft an amazing resume, then send it to my HR department, just to add to my file. You know, since they don’t really know the extent of my awesomeness yet. Neither do I, of course, but still. I wonder if they’d think of me any differently?

I made a cursory list of great things that happened in 2016, and will whittle it down to the top 16 in time for New Years. Like, great things that happened in my life, I mean. I don’t care about what the world thinks was great. Certainly not about making anything great again. #justsayin

Anyway, unlike a lot of people, I am not excited for the year to be over. I’m not “done with it” or blaming the calendar for all of my woes. Remember when everyone was freaking out about the end of the Mayan calendar, because the idea of it starting all over again at the beginning was unreasonable, but vague impending apocalyptic doom was probably on the horizon? Flash forward four years to 2016 and people are freaking out about celebrities getting older and dying (apparently Gen X is just realizing now that we’re not immortal), and praying for the year to come to an end already. Because…I guess…no one will die in 2017?

I’m doubtful. But what I do know is that a) my rent is going up again, b) the cost of a metropass is going up again, and c) my income is not going up. Still.

So screw everybody who’s clamoring to race into the new year. For the moment, at least, I am over YOU. 🙂

Catch-Up Notes

Couple of things…

I had some really tough conversations last week. Tough for me, anyway. I struggled to be real and present in each one, and am fairly confident that I succeeded each time. It was difficult, but entirely worth it. I’m hoping to be able to keep that up, at least with each of the parties involved. One was with my therapist, so obviously I want to maintain that level of work between us as much as possible. One was with one of my best friends. And one was with someone new in my life.

All required different things from me, of course, but one were very easy for me, and I’m glad I didn’t let that stop me from having them. Definitely a good, positive step, all in all.

I volunteered yesterday, as usual. The gang was pretty much all there, and we worked well together, so tasks were completed quickly. That left a little extra time to spend with the animals, which basically made me feel like I’d really done little actual work at all. I hung with the skunks a bit longer as I spot cleaned their enclosure, etc. Pepe and Flower were out, so that left Sumo, Bambi and Thumper to deal with me being in their space talking to them and such. They did great, despite being somewhat afraid of me. Their curiosity is winning out more and more often now.

I played with Aspen the lynx, I held Cricket the baby kangaroo, I held Hamburglar the ferret briefly (way too much energy, that guy), and a couple of the rats, as well. I hung out in the kangaroo enclosure while they checked me out and Willow the capybara spent a few minutes licking my forearm. And I talked to the birds.

One started doing the Super Grover “near, far” thing, which was new to me, and cracked me up endlessly! Just all on his own, chatting away to himself.

Near….far!!!” hahaha

Maybe the best thing that happened, though, was that the hello birds finally started saying hello to me again. It’s been a couple of months since they spoke directly to me, and I’ve missed it like crazy. It was so good to interact with them again at last!

My heart-breaking but beautiful package arrived for me on Saturday, too. It’s perfect, even though I wish it was for a completely different use.

I’ve been doing some prep work on what I believe will be my next blog. I’m hopeful that it will serve much better than this one has, and be more…just…more.

As always, I guess, we’ll see how it goes.

On Yesterday

I had quite a day yesterday.

As previously mentioned, I had three appointments, and also had to put in some time at work. It ended up not being much work time, but at least I got things done.

Saw my neuro for my regular 6-month check-in. The appointment itself went quite quickly, as usual, but it started late, so I didn’t have much time in between that and my dental appointment. Still, it was enough to scarf down something to eat and give Brody a quick pee break before I headed back out for the rest of the day.

Got fitted for my crown, and despite some pain and discomfort and a foul taste in my mouth after, I actually had a fairly decent time at the dentist. I like her and everyone in her office, so the atmosphere is always friendly and pleasant, even when the actual procedure isn’t the most fun ever.

Plus, I showed them my Hudson pictures, and we talked about Brody and cats and such. That kind of thing is always nice.

I went straight to work after that, and arrived just in time for Tim’s last day pizza party, so I had a slice and then ate the lunch I bought. The temporary crown on my tooth feels weird – it’s changed my bite, for now – so eating is a bit more of a chore than usual, but with any luck, it’ll all be better next week. Just in time for the holidays.

After work I had about an hour to kill before my therapy session was set to begin, so I ended up hanging out with someone I might like, and though we didn’t do anything specific, I once again had a really nice time. Two for two with that one, so far!

My final appointment of the day was with my lovely therapist, and even though I warned her that I might be frazzled from a busy day, she said I could unwind with her. I like having that safe space to go to sometimes, and it actually does feel like a bit of a weight is lifted even just when I walk in the door. Last night was no different in that regard. I love the dynamic we created right out of the gate, and we’ve really only built on it over the years. I covered a few things that I wanted to deal with right away, and then we moved to the topic(s) that require the most attention and work right now. I wouldn’t have said that it was a difficult session – it didn’t feel difficult – but it took a definite toll, and once I realized that, I understood how much effort I’d actually put into it. I fought with myself and won, and it was both draining and invigorating all at once.

So, so good.

As we were leaving (I was the last appointment in her day, too, so we walked to the subway together after), I told her about an idea I had for after this blog is done, and she seemed to be quite excited about it, as well. We’d finished the session by talking about a little thing I’d done a few days ago, and how it had made me feel, and she gave me a few ideas with which to build upon it. The new idea I had is also kind of related to that same thing, so at the moment, at least, it feels like an exciting new path for me.

We’ll see how things go over the next few weeks, I guess!

Mondays Are Stupid

I’m getting killed at work today, so working through my lunch instead of writing a proper post here.

Had a pretty decent day at the animal shelter yesterday, though it was really busy and I stayed longer than usual, despite already being rather burnt out. Hence I slept super hard last night, but it wasn’t enough. I’m a mess today.

Still, I got to hang with the skunks, watch some hedgehogs and various opossum eat (since they are nocturnal, I don’t often get to see them out and about), and finally got a good look at Banjo, the new-ish Virginia grey opossum who joined us a while ago, but who is always asleep when I am there. He came over to sniff me and check me out for a few moments before returning to his dish to eat. So cute!

Then I got up this morning to find that my pally had posted a sweet video clip of he and I with Hudson from Friday afternoon, and I scooped a screenshot from it, which is now my desktop wallpaper at work!

So that’s good.

Otherwise, though, Monday can kind of suck it.

Screenshot_2016-12-05-06-27-57.png

Maybe

Saw my therapist last night after work. The session was much more difficult than usual, and I’m still upset and drained from it.

But she took good care of me while also pushing me to do the work, and didn’t let me pull back until the very end.

Like, I panicked a little when I saw there were only 2 minutes left (technically – she leaves space between sessions for occasions just like this one), and she noticed and said something like, “Just say it” because she knew I was breaking down and didn’t want to lose momentum. So I blurted out whatever it was and then she talked me back down so I wasn’t crying anymore by the time I left.

And even though I felt, like, beaten up, in a way, she told me it was good; that it was working.

I agreed.

But man – I am still really feeling it today.

The good thing – in addition to the bits of progress being made in the room – is that I’m consciously aware of my internal efforts to disengage from some of the things she repeated to me last night, which is what I usually do almost as a habit. If I don’t like something, I don’t accept it into my mind, and then instead dissolve into melodramatic despair and loneliness at how bad I am at expressing myself and how nobody “gets” me.

This time, so far, I’m managing to not accept, but also to not dissolve – I’m remaining still, in my mind. I’m allowing myself to believe that it’s at least possible that the things she said to me over and over are maybe somewhat accurate. And I’m trying to remember them, and what they actually mean, just in case.

I’m thus far preventing myself from deliberately misinterpreting certain things which would feed my pre-existing misinterpretations of myself.

If that makes sense…without having to go into detail.

Anyway. I’m exhausted in pretty much every way. But sometimes even small alterations in how one perceives themselves and the world around them are actually really huge steps.

I feel like – even though my heart hurts – this might be one of those times.

Rant

 

Came to work this morning to find someone had taken the Coke I left in the fridge, so I had to drink the less-cold one I brought with me. I usually keep one in the fridge and swap it out with one I bring in, so I can always drink the colder one. But apparently I’m not deserving of enough respect for someone else to NOT take my stuff, so yeah.

Always good to know where I stand.

It has actually never occurred to me to take something from a common area that I didn’t put there. If it’s offered to me, that’s different. If I ask for it, also different. But otherwise, if I didn’t put it there, it’s obviously not mine, so I don’t take it. That’s the second time this week that’s happened – and keep in mind, today is Wednesday – but the first time there was a can of Coke in a different part of the fridge, so I figured whoever it was just got confused. Turns out there’s no confusion, just a complete lack of respect for other people’s things.

So now I have officially learned my lesson. I’ll just drink the less-cold Coke from now on. I guess I should have learned from last time, when the can even had my NAME on it and someone took it, but that person later replaced it for me, at least. This time my name wasn’t on it, so apparently that makes it fair game. Even though no one else puts their names on things, either. Apparently when it’s my stuff, it doesn’t matter if I label it as mine or not. I don’t get to be treated the same as the rest of them, regardless.

Anyway.

Seeing my therapist tonight. Which is good, though I am having trouble focusing on what I actually need to talk about. I’m distracted by an inclination towards complaining and whining and rage.

I’ve made a few notes to remind me and hopefully help me focus better once I’m in the room.

My goal is to become less needy so that I don’t feel like I have to talk to my friends at all, or at least not about anything important. Things I could and should be dealing with myself. If I can keep friendly conversation more surface level without getting frustrated and upset every time we hang out, I’ll be better able to listen when they talk, and therefore become a more valuable friend.

Right now, when I accidentally speak about myself and things that are on my mind, I feel like I am interrupting; like I’m an irritant. And if alcohol is involved, I can’t seem to stop myself once I get going.

Ironically, I don’t drink prior to therapy, even though it apparently makes it easier to get things off my chest. I think the value of doing so is greater when I can manage it sober, though, so there’s that.

So yeah. I have to learn to speak less and listen more, or I’ll continue to lose the ones who mean the most to me.

And I’m not sure just how much more of that I can take.

Now for a few more moon shots, this time from last night:

 

And, of course, Hudson the polar bear I love:

hudson-and-sticks

Monday

Left home earlier than usual this morning so that I could stand on the platform and wait for a train that I could fit onto. Well, I could have fit on any of them, if the people in front of me would move INTO the train instead of just crowding themselves into the doorway. Eventually I was the one boarding first so pushed my way into the area between two cars, where there would have been tons of room were it not for the pieces of shite wearing their backpacks, oblivious to the notion that there might be other people nearby.

Wrestled with a decision all the way in. Still undecided but possibly resigned to feeling like I don’t really have a choice, and that it’s my own fault if that’s the case.

Growing weary of the bullshit and lies, yet allow them to go unchallenged because I just can’t invoke my righteous rage if it’s in defence of my own well-being.

Arrived to find more angry emails about things that aren’t my fault, yet come down on me, anyway, because life.

Forgot to mention another little thing from my volunteer shift yesterday. It involved simply drying the feet of two birds (no idea what they are called) after they’d been in the sink getting a bit cleaned up. Neither liked it, and both of them kicked a lot as soon as they were lifted out, which is why it was a two woman job. I had to grab one foot at a time, but gently enough that I didn’t hurt the little ones, and luckily for me they both stopped kicking once I’d gotten a light grip on one foot, so I could pat them dry, and leave them to kick again once I’d let go.

I talked to them the whole time (not that it helped them, but I think it helped me), and it ended up feeling like this intimate little moment between us. Not an entirely good moment, but not an entirely bad one, either.

My family’s going through some stuff, my buddy’s going through some stuff, I’m going through some stuff. I learned at a young age that people will usually stop being cruel if they don’t get a reaction out of you, as the reaction is ultimately what they/we want. Same goes for other actions, of course, but usually we don’t want the good ones to stop. I learned to hide what I was feeling – hide my reactions – and I learned it so well that I have a much more difficult time expressing them now than I do keeping them closed. It can be frustrating.

I am angry today.