Too Much

Wow – I don’t exactly know what to talk about today. I was awake far too early this morning due to life and emotions and stuff. And things are busy – at work, and with Mind Reels stuff (setting up next radio play for later this week), and with me stuff. Overwhelmed a bit again, I guess.

Anyway.

Completely lost the photo contest thingy. By a lot. It wasn’t even close, as of about 9:30pm. The eventual winner put on an impressive last minute push to win by a landslide. So that’s done.

Weekend was busy. Went to the zoo and met up with my mom and brother for what was a very windy but still ultimately fun and nice day together. My friends Steve and Sarah joined us, and we managed to get mom to see/meet most of the animals on the main list. It was Kiko the giraffe’s 4th birthday, as well, so we were able to help him celebrate while he and Mstari (who celebrated her 3rd birthday recently) enjoyed some delicious pumpkins and the like.

I was supposed to go out Saturday night but I was beyond exhausted by the time I got home from the zoo, and ended up staying in and plying myself with alcohol before heading to bed. Sunday was also busy…up at 6am to go volunteer (but managed to leave my place 45 minutes late and didn’t stay as long as usual). I still don’t know what happened there – I probably never really will – nor do I know how much longer I’ll go in every week. But last week and this week were both…emotional…yet I felt like I really did help in some small way. Even just with little things, like giving opossums and hedgehogs fresh food and water, and having them come out to eat and drink right away, even though they are nocturnal. And spending a few quick but affectionate minutes with Edward the micro pig before I leave each week – after I get the dishes done, of course! Just little things, but they need to be done, and it feels like it’s appreciated. So even though it’s a lot of change and uncertainty and sadness, there are still some bright spots.

No birds said “hello”, though. That hurt my heart some. Several things did this weekend, though, to be fair.

The rest of the day…I can’t even remember. Just chores, mostly. Brody and I went to PetValu to pick up some things, and I did more dishes…I recall making us some amazing popcorn for when I finally got a chance to sit down. I tried to sort some things out, but didn’t get much accomplished on that score. Will have to actually get my week planned out now that I know when the radio play is, because I also have my Writer in Residence meeting on Saturday, and want to be prepared for that. I have to make a small list and focus for a little bit, because there is a lot on the old plate.

Also, more crunchy Cheetos may soon be in order. So addictive and delicious!

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Growing Pains

Last night was pretty fun. Tim and I met up with a friend we haven’t seen in a few years, and were introduced to her girlfriend, and the four of us hung out for a drink and catch-up chat. Heard my name shortly after we sat down, and it turned out there was ANOTHER old friend – from University days – sitting at a table across from us with her son! So that was very cool, too. This week has manifested a few friends from days of yore, as it turns out.

It’s weird, though, because I actually feel thrown off when I’m around people I haven’t seen in a long time. I’m not the same as I was, and I’m not sure who I am, and I feel…scattered, or something. More outside of things than usual. Coupled with feeling like I can’t really be myself – even as much of me as I know – around certain people…it leaves a bunch of threads hanging. It ends up being too much time, as well as not enough. I don’t know how to breathe.

In other news, both Hudson and Humphrey are home safe and healthy now, which is good. I’m concerned I won’t recognize my bear anymore, which makes me sad, but I guess at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter. We had our time, and we’ll have more time now; it’ll just be different. He’s not my bear, anymore.

The changes he created in me remain the same, however, so there’s that. It hurts – a lot – to keep losing the ones I love the most, but I guess that’s how we grow as individuals; by enduring growing pains of the heart.

PISSED

ARGH!

Missed the deadline for the zoo members photo contest because I am an idiot and thought it was in October. Like – JUST missed it. So freaking pissed with myself right now that I can’t even focus. I haven’t even uploaded shots from my most recent trip, nor gone through the ones from several more recent trips to see if there is anything I might have wanted to enter.

I was considering trying to get other opinions on which one I should enter in each category, because the new rule this year meant we could only enter one photo per category, and I usually have trouble deciding.

All for nothing, now, though, because I just can’t get my shit together.

I guess I’ll just post some of the possibilities I was considering here instead and work on letting go. At least it frees up some time to work on other things.

And who doesn’t love the occasional animal photo?  These are all from earlier in the year, but still kinda fun.

It Is Way Too Late

and I am way too tired, and have to be up way too early…

to write a post tonight.

Blood tests, zoo and TIFF – as well as shooting footage for Canada In A Day – with time at the Pet Expo happening tomorrow.

Then back to work.

I’m never going to sleep!

Myriad on my Mind

Well, the whole not being able to sleep much thing is getting pretty old. Will try again tonight to see if I can do any better.

Con Crud hasn’t fully set in, but it’s not any better yet, either. On the fence, I guess. Fencing Crud.

Squirrel saga is still ongoing, but in part because I haven’t heard any news yet this morning. Hopefully no news is good news – or at least not bad news – but we’ll see.

So much drama and stress and sadness, man. I can’t even tell anymore how much of it is directly mine to carry, and regardless, there’s so much I can’t talk about, anyway.  My heart and mind are tired. 

I got a lot done yesterday, at least. Saw a periodontics (is that the word?) dentist guy for a consultation, and have mostly decided to go ahead with the procedure he’s suggested, but I really need to make sure it’s covered by my work benefits first. It’s going to be dicey, anyway, because I have to pay the whole thing upfront and get reimbursed later, and since it’ll cost more than, say, my rent, I need to time it just right so that I can get reimbursed in time to pay said rent. Maybe even eat in the meantime.

At least the animals are mostly stocked food-wise for a bit.

Managed to change my address with the Ministry of Health, so I expect to be receiving threatening letters any time now about switching to a photo health card from my sweet old red and white one. I’m proud to still have it, but last time I went for blood tests, there was apparently a note warning me to contact the Ministry and update my current address…which I then forgot to do until yesterday. So that’s good, I guess. I have to get more blood tests done on Saturday, so at least I can tell them that the process has begun.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of what was probably my girl’s biggest loss to date, and I have no idea how to, like, acknowledge that for her, or with her, or anything. Not being in the same country doesn’t really help with that, either, of course. But I’m not sure how much of a comfort I would be, anyway. I guess some journeys have to be taken separately and/or on our own. I do hope, though, that she has a similar experience to mine, in that the first year is the hardest, and once you get through all of the firsts, a greater sense of your new normal can be found. It doesn’t suck any less, but I found that, for me, the dread became less. The fear of facing each unavoidable first gave way to a kind of grim acceptance of all the remaining anniversaries to come, and the knowledge that I will get through those, too, whether I like it or not.

I hope it’s similar for her journey through grief, too.

I renewed my zoo membership for another year. I think this is the earliest I’ve ever done it – more than a month early. Now I just have to remember to pick up my new card when I go there next – hopefully on Saturday. It’s supposed to rain, but I kind of don’t care. I plan to be shooting for Canada In A Day, and what better way to show off one of the things I love about a day in my life than to spend at least part of it immersed in one of my favourite places?

Of course, my weekend is already filled with things that need to be done, so there won’t be any rest, and if I am still fighting this cold, I may yet lose the battle as a result. If all of my money for the next year or so is going to dental bills, though, I intend to make the most of the days in between!

Adjust Accordingly

I saw this thing on FB that said to make a list of things that make you happy, and then a list of what you do everyday, and then compare the two and adjust accordingly.

That sort of fit in with some similar things I’ve been thinking about recently, so even though I know my lists won’t be even remotely the same, it occurred to me that I wasn’t immediately sure what would go on my happy list. And that’s a larger part of the problem than what constitutes my day job, so I figured I should start there.

Some things that make me happy, in no particular order:

  • getting people to talk about their passions (ie via The Mind Reels) and, more recently, doing reads of old timey radio plays
  • being around non-human animals, especially if I get to pet them
  • writing and other methods of creating – I have an amazing creative mind, but lack the talent to do any of it really well
  • planning things – events, trips, tattoos, etc – especially if it’s for me to partake in
  • learning – and usually challenging myself falls into that area, as well (I actually quite enjoy school and taking courses and the like – I think that’s part of what I thought I’d like about teaching, actually)
  • taking and sharing pictures (I love taking pictures, but I think sharing them with others makes me even happier)

That’s as much as I came up with on the subway. I pretty much kept it to activities, really. I guess I could include things like sunshine, mountains, the sound of waves, the smell of bread baking, ice cream, popcorn – food and salt in general, I guess, reading, listening to music…all that kind of wind down stuff I like to do. Collecting things. Watching TV.

I guess there are lots of changes I could make to ensure I am doing more of the things which make me happy during my day, but I was heading in to work, so work was on my mind. Not much there makes me happy, except when I figure something out – which falls into the learning/challenging category, but it rarely happens, so it’s not very happiness-sustaining.

It also takes up a vast percentage of my everyday life, so it’s harder for me to check things off the happy list when the majority of non-work time is spent sleeping. Which sometimes makes me happy, too. Sometimes not, though.

I’ve also been thinking about this whole notion of relationships and how everyone seems to think we all need to be in one. I was thinking about how I never imagined nor planned out my wedding. Not as a kid, nor as an adult – I was never really looking ahead to how my wedding day would be, or which song would be the soundtrack to our first dance, or where I’d want to go on my honeymoon or any of that stuff people supposedly do. Well, except to joke that I’d walk down the aisle to the Imperial March. Otherwise, though, I was never imagining my someday forever love, nor what our lives would look like together. To me, it was a little difficult when I had no one specific in mind. To me, that was a major factor in what the rest would look like. I wasn’t looking for a generic cake-topper, so much as an actual person.

I remember worrying that I wouldn’t be paying attention and miss them whenever they came into my life. I think that may have made me more open, though, because instead of trying to find someone who fit whatever vague notions I had in my head, I was watching; noticing when my initial reaction to meeting someone in particular was different from meeting everyone else.

Recognizing that one handshake could be all I needed to let me know that love was near.

I was getting angry and frustrated at not fitting the mold that others seem to fit into – like, not even understanding it, really. But then this morning I was thinking about those people who use vision boards, or whatever they’re called; wherein a person will place photos and other objects into a sort of collage and look at it regularly, imagining those things coming into their lives. A child, a relationship, a trip, money – anything they want. They kind of meditate on it every day, and it kind of focuses their attention on those specific things, as a way of sending their wishes out into the Universe and hoping for them to manifest sooner rather than later.

I wondered if I have been wrong this whole time (ie my life) in not picturing the specific way I want my life to look; what I want my future to hold. I wondered if maybe I had been doing that – picturing and focusing on what I wanted this entire time, if my life would be any different today. If my future would have been now.

I guess it’s never too late to start.

Though I wouldn’t have missed that handshake for all the world. Not for anything.

I’ll start with the happy list, as I have a feeling other things just fall into place when you’re happy with yourself, anyway. And part of that, of course, will include paying attention to anything else I might want to add to said list.

The sky’s the limit, as they say.

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Interesting Day

Interesting day.

Physically taxing, yet somewhat emotionally rejuvenating.

I had kind of a hard week – work, fatigue, the heat, stress, sadness yet trying to wean off antidepressants, and a general malaise in every facet of my being.

I am tired.

This morning, I helped out a raccoon who took longer than usual to accept my aid, but I finally saw them run across the street to head home for the day.  Then I carried home a sweet little cabinet that was on the curb – it was heavier than it seemed at first, and about did me in on a physical level.  My muscles have been shaking ever since; every cell of my body feels drained.

Totally have great nerdy plans for that cabinet, though.

Then, after much back-and-forth deliberation, I went to the zoo.  Had a brief but amazing time with equally amazing friends,got to see inside the white rhino barn and met Tony, the handsomest white rhino I’ve ever seen.  He is astounding up close – at least as close as we got today.  I can’t even imagine being able to touch him and look directly into those deep, gentle eyes of his.

Also, there was swag, some of which I scored thanks to those aforementioned amazing friends, and am so excited to add to my zoo-related belongings!

And there were crayons.  And, hence, colouring.

I decided to stay longer to hang out with young Miss Juno, who was being ridiculously cute and even lingered by the fence with me for a while.  Also helped a nice older lady plan her tour of zoo babies, which was fun!

I was running out of steam in the Eurasia Wilds when I met up with another friend, but decided that I could not leave in good conscience without seeing the baby lynx and my beloved gorilla troop.  So I stayed longer than planned, but added the giraffes (Kiko has grown taller, I believe), and a repeat viewing of the polar bears – as well as other animals along the way – to the mix.

Now I’m extra exhausted, and everyone hurts.

But I can’t say it wasn’t worth it!

Thanks friends!  🙂

PS Too tired to proofread this – sorry for any errors I didn’t catch while typing!