Frustrating Me

I’ve barely had any sleep, but I don’t really care. Today is my Friday, as I am off tomorrow through the weekend, so I just have to get through this work day. I have far too many plans for the next few days, though. It might make me fall further behind if I go through with them all, but we’ll see. I mean, the PVR is not going to watch itself, so I need to give myself some real TV time very soon. But since there are other things I also want to do and/or am expected to do, I’ll just have to work out a balance somehow.

Should be interesting, at least.

I’m supposed to be doing more for myself – and I’m craving certain things, especially for this long weekend I’ve given myself. Yet here I am not setting myself up to do them. It’s frustrating.

I frustrate me.

No wonder everyone else does, too.

Sulkiness

sulky:

 

I am the sulkiest adult ever. Pretty much, anyway.

Admittedly, when I first heard that, the definition or impression in my mind was a bit different, so it came across as a little more hurtful and insulting. But I guess the above definition is something I can live with more easily, if need be.

That I am delicate and broken is more difficult to accept, but whatever. It is what it is, and fortunately or unfortunately, I am what I am.

Last night I dreamed that I’d convinced three friends to apply to some kind of secret society thing with me. I knew all about it and felt I could help them to settle into the whole thing if and when we were all accepted. I think the friends may have changed throughout, as I’m pretty sure one was a woman, at one point, but for the most part I think it was Ryan, Drew and Lindsay.

Anyway, I located the rather hidden spot where we had to go for the interview part of the application process, and as luck would have it, I even interviewed with someone I already knew. I was feeling pretty confident, because it seemed to go quite well.

Two of the four of us were accepted. I was not one of them. Still a little confused by it all even after I woke up. And guilty, because I was no longer sure how to help the two friends who’d made it in, especially when they’d only applied because I’d pressured them into it.

This morning, the older woman next to me on the subway lost her balance and would have fallen over had I not caught her.

Broken or not, sometimes I am still stronger than those around me, and can carry both of our weights for a while. So there’s that.

No Words

I don’t really know what to say today, guys.

I think I had a vague plan earlier, but I can’t remember what it was, if anything.

It’s possible I pushed myself too hard yesterday, and so was dizzy and exhausted last night and today, which is making it more difficult for me to process the world and such right now.

Losing Ron Glass earlier this week was a blow, but I also relate to death differently than I used to, after Alysia died. Well…it started after Kate the kitten died, but definitely after Alysia. I feel it differently now.

And now, after already struggling to come to grips with the loss of Ron, someone I love has lost someone she loves even more – someone much closer to her and who she is – and I don’t know how to help her breathe through it. The first was difficult enough, but to lose this next one so soon after…I don’t know. I don’t know what to say or how to shoulder some of the pain, or how to help her to shoulder it herself.

I’ve been feeling helpless a lot lately, in trying to figure out how to help myself. This is helpless in a different way, in that I’m trying to figure out how to help someone else.

Both suck.

On another note, my creative partner let me know that he’s trying to set something up for us, which is great. He mentioned that he suggested a date that happens to already have off from work, which is great – for him. Ridiculous. Sometimes I just have to shake my head and dial down the rage.

So much to talk about, but not here.

I need to get to the Dodger soon, among other things.

Sunday Volunteering

Yesterday’s volunteer shift was kinda cool, for the most part. I was a mess all weekend, as far as staying on top of my meds/vitamins and getting, like, sleep. So I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to stay, but I made it pretty much as long a shift as usual.

I feel like I physically did less, but I did spend a lot of time bonding with animals, so I figure that counts. For me, anyway!

The other Sunday volunteer, Shanny, and I were talking after about how it’s become like therapy to both of us now. Even though we only go once a week for a few hours, the animals are getting to know us better, and that makes a huge difference. We spent time near the end of our shift just walking around visiting our favourites and left smiling. Willow the capybara didn’t tackle me this time, but she did drool all over my forearm and attempt to rub my tattoo off again! haha

I started my shift off in the skunk enclosure, of course. This time all but two were out at shows, but even though the most skittish were left, they were both at the door to greet me when I went in. They’re still skittish, naturally, but I feel like we all did really well together. I let them smell my hands this time, but managed to resist the urge to try and pet them. It’s not the right time for that just yet.

While I was in there, I got summoned back down to the main floor because Cricket, the baby kangaroo was being passed around so we could meet her! I cradled her in my arms and she licked me and we took a boatload of pictures and then she hopped around the shelter for a few minutes before we put her back in her pouch for a nap. She didn’t want to go in, at first, because she was super curious about all the new stuff she could check out, but within minutes she was asleep again. So super cute, guys!

I finished the skunk enclosure, and then took on the Small Animal Room. I took my time with everybody – except the sugar gliders, because they all sleep during the day – and made sure they were all comfy and fed and watered and spot cleaned. I snuggled one of the rats, and held one of the ferrets (Hamburglar) for the first time. I did a couple of extra good things when I noticed they needed to be done. I find the routine is getting easier (ie more of a routine) and our little team works really well together, so we’re getting things done pretty quickly now. Which is even more awesome because it gives us time to cuddle a baby kangaroo, or spend a few extra minutes letting skunks get to know us better, or talking to birds and watching Rapunzel ring her bell because she’s happy for the extra attention. Being more effective at the labour part gives us more time for the fun part, which is always a good thing. Everyone is getting more comfortable, I think, and for me, that makes me more determined to get in there each week. I’m still technically week to week, but I’ve been feeling a shift towards anticipating that I will be there next Sunday before I even leave from this Sunday’s shift.

Sensing that some of the animals are getting more familiar with me, and recognizing me more each week gives me hope that Hudson will be able to “know” me sooner or later, as well. I’ve only seen him twice so far, but I already have plans to see him this week, too, which would make it three weeks in a row. Even if I go back to every other week like when he was a wee cub, there’s still a good chance that I’ll be more familiar to him after a time, and that possibility makes me smile, too!

Balance

So…last night was so much more than I could have anticipated.  I don’t know what I’d expected, really.  Maybe nothing, which would be how I was caught so off-guard, perhaps.  Regardless, it was different.  Different from my life for a long, long time.  I’m confused now, but in mostly a good way.  And for the first time in ages, I’m excited to see what happens next, if anything.  I’m excited to feel like I want there to be a next.

Then, after too little sleep, I got up too early and headed to the zoo to spend some time with my bear.  I love that guy so much.  And I love the friends who were with me all day, even though none of us planned to spend the whole day there.  It’s so weird…I just can’t get enough of him, or of the whole thing.  I couldn’t pull myself away.

And I saw baby Rey the zebra for the first time, and fell in love with her cute self, so I picked up a wee zebra stuffie to commemorate the occasion.  Her name is also Rey, because why pretend she’s anyone else?

I got the news that Ron Glass has passed away once I got home.  I guess it’s about balance.  I had a good night and day, and had to have that balanced out by having my Browncoat heart broken at the same time.

Suffice it to say that, for me, it’s been an interesting 24 hours.

Volunteer time tomorrow.