Life Goes By

Halloween was my favourite holiday for a long time. Probably for the longest period of the time I’ve had favourite holidays.

Now I don’t think I do anymore; have a favourite. They all just kind of go by without me noticing. I mean, the ones that make a long weekend, I notice. But even then, it’s mostly in terms of what’s still open, store-wise, and occasionally seeing if I can do a thing or two for myself on one of my days off.

I experimented with giving myself additional long weekends from work this past summer, and pretty much failed completely at making them work in my favour. So even those aren’t as great as they used to be in that sense. Holidays that everyone gets are usually worse, somehow.

And even though it’s Halloween and not a day off kind of holiday, the fun seems to be gone from it, for me. I’m not even excited about cheap candy day tomorrow, because I can’t afford any even then.

However, did a pretty great interview with an actor from Star Trek that we’d never met before. He was very awesome, and friendly, and not at all difficult on the eyes! AND we scored new Star Trek mugs! What?! So much fun, and a nice break in an otherwise Monday-y morning!

I got to put my feet up for a bit yesterday. Not at all as much as I needed to, but still…it helped. Especially with Flynn, who is still sick today but seemed to be in a good mood yesterday, just because I was around more. I haven’t been home much lately, and it’s taken a toll on all of us, I think. Even Brody was bringing me his ball to play with last night, something he hasn’t done in months! It’s good to feel like my company is wanted and appreciated, and I try to make sure they know that I want and appreciate theirs, as well.

I even got a couple of important tasks done, though the laundry is piling up again, and I am not sure when I’ll have the chance to do that. But still, the things I did accomplish are good, and hopefully positive steps moving forward.

We’ll see. I’m going nowhere fast, but after Friday and Saturday were big enough that I haven’t had time to fully process them yet even now, I feel like I did still manage to get a bit of a break yesterday, and that’s the main thing, I guess. Sometimes even a little bit of something positive is better than nothing at all. Not enough to balance out the overwhelming-ness of everything else – not even close – but I’m halfway through today and still going, so that’s something.

Big Day x2

Yesterday was a pretty big day for me, in several different ways.

Most of which I am still processing, as today has also been pretty big for me.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is a tad more calm so I can get my feet under me a little better.

For now, there’s beer.

Ghost Radio Fun

The ole timey radio play we did last night was so much fun!

I kind of think it might have been my favourite so far, but I hesitate to commit to such a statement, as all of them have been ridiculous and had just as many laughs.

This one also had wine, though, so that might be part of it.

One thing about this one was that the script had far less racism and sexism and all the other -ism’s that make people uncomfortable these days. The scripts we use were all written and performed in the 30’s and 40’s, and while they are always a fun and fascinating glimpse into our past, they also highlight so much of what people now try to cover up – that we just aren’t very nice to one another. That we say less out loud now doesn’t mean we’re not still thinking things sometimes. And just because some laws have changed, practices are not as easy to alter. They are just less overt much of the time.

Unless you’re paying attention, anyway, which the majority of society seem not to be.

Anyway, there was less blatant racism and sexism, and more body shaming and ghost story telling in this one. And there was real life red wine to go with it. And an incredible cast of some of my favourite women on hand to perform it! Two of them had never done this with us before, and while not everyone knew one another going into it, they all played so well together! It was actually so amazing to watch that I kept missing my scant few lines in the script, and just enjoyed the show as performed by everyone else. I’m assuming it wasn’t really written to be a comedy, but they way these ladies played it was pure brilliance. Comedic gold, if I’m being honest. I’d love to get that same group together again sometime and see what else we can come up with, because they all worked off of one another so perfectly!

There were, of course, technical difficulties, and I am pretty sure we lost the whole night of footage from the tricaster. That means nothing from the microphone on the table was recorded. We did have a backup recording going, thank goodness, but only for the “official” read, so the practice read is, I believe, gone forever. It’ll just have to live on in the memories of those of us who were fortunate enough to be in the room.

As well, the audio from the backup recording was not likely able to pick up some of the quieter dialogue, but the majority of it should be okay, I think. And Tim did an audio-only recording with his phone on the table, too, so that will go up on iTunes, but again, only the official read, not the practice one.

Still, that final read was even better than the practice one, and so long as the audio turned out more or less okay, I think it’ll remain a favourite of mine for a long time to come. Those ladies all just killed it, and I am so thrilled with how it went!

I just wish the evidence of our evening had been better captured.

Also, Flynn is sick again with a urinary tract infection and I think the cold I had mostly fought off is roaring back with a vengeance this afternoon. In addition, I’m trying something I haven’t done in easily 2 decades. More later, maybe, after I see how it goes.

Overwhelmed

So angry and frustrated and tired today. Probably just PMS, but man – I am not putting up with shit as much as I usually do. No tolerance or patience whatsoever.

Doing our “scary” Halloween radio play tonight, though. That will be fun.

Feeling so overwhelmed right now. Or lately. I think that’s part of the reason I can’t sleep much. Which then makes it more difficult to be productive during the day, which stresses me out more.

I can’t even think of anything to say right now. I have so much to do. Work and life are too much sometimes.

I need to find a better balance.

And book some vacation days to visit my polar bear.

For now, though, I pretty much have to get back to work, I guess.

I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Legit

On the way home last night, I used my shiny new legit credit card to buy my metropass for November. The transaction went through, so that’s good.

Then I got home to all kinds of mail, including a parcel notification (which I’ll pick up tonight), and a notice from the secured credit card company telling me that I’ve done so well thus far, they would like to increase my credit limit with them, too! Without requiring a further security deposit!

I’ll turn that down, because I’m just going to cancel the card soon, anyway, once I get authorized payments and such transferred over to my new card, but still. I’m pleased that, a little over 6 years after being released from personal bankruptcy (I should TOTALLY run for President!), I am back in good standing as far as my credit rating goes.

Proud of myself – but not proud enough to take more credit than I gave myself on the secured card, of course!

I’m hurting in all kinds of ways today. My neck, my heart, and my jaw are top of the list. Naturally, my mind has begun to occasionally entertain paranoid concerns over the possibility of infection either below the gum-line along the surgical site, or within the tooth itself from where it split after having had a root canal previously. I’m sure it’s just a part of the post-surgery healing process, but I’ll keep an eye – or the back of my paranoid mind – on it between now and my next appointment, anyway.

In ongoing news, I hate people.

Cost

I saw a thing in an advice column yesterday. Well, I saw the title of the letter, rather than the letter itself. There’s only so much I can read over other people’s shoulders, after all. Anyway, it said something like, “What do I say when people ask how much my engagement ring cost?”

And I was, like, “Is that a thing?! Asking people how much their engagement ring cost?”

Like how does that conversation even go?

“OMG congratuLAtions!!! Such a beautiful ring? How much did s/he spend on it?! I think mine was around blah-be-dee-bloo, if I recall!”

Is it customary to supply a gift receipt for the ring when you propose? Only not even a gift receipt, but one with the price on it so that the object of your forever love knows exactly how much you love her, right down to the penny? Isn’t such a ring supposed to be considered a gift anymore? I never would have thought to ask someone how much their ring cost, let alone assume they would even know. I had no idea that was a thing.

Maybe I should start asking, if it’s rude not to. Like – how much did yours cost? I don’t have any so I can’t compare. Well…there was one…but I’m pretty sure he stole it, so…let’s call that “on sale”.

As for how to answer it, I’m assuming straight up honesty isn’t as fun as guessing games. Like, estimate how much the ring the person asking you is wearing cost, and then go higher with your response, so you and your fiance/e look like better people or more in love or whatever.

People are weird.  Life is a gift – can I get a receipt with that?

I think I’ve gotten so used to holding back that now I am not sure I’ll be able to open up when I’m supposed to again. I might have to re-learn how to do it, so I don’t waste my money and my therapist’s time too much. It’s actually become habitual now, just keeping things to myself. I’m constantly re-writing my public image, so to speak, carefully choosing what to reveal and how much or little of it I can get away with. I don’t even really put much thought into it anymore. I’ve caught myself actually sifting through thoughts to consider saying if there is a lull in conversation and I can’t just listen and respond. But that technique won’t fly in therapy, so I have to figure out how to break myself of the habit – preferably before I go in – so that I can get the most out of the session. I think that’ll actually make it easier to sift through whatever’s left, once the overwhelming stuff has been released and isn’t building up inside me anymore.

It occurred to me this morning that you can’t lose or miss what you never had, yet it can still hurt, and often quite a lot. You can lie awake at night wondering why it hurts at all, let alone so much. And why it feels so sad to not have had something to lose; why you can mourn something that never was.

I think it’s because what was actually lost was far more important, yet also far more elusive. It’s the realization that it was never there to begin with – that it wasn’t real – that does it, you see.

That realization is the death of the one thing which was there before, and has now been lost.

It’s the loss of plans and dreams and maybes and of having something extra to look forward to each day and even though there’s still plenty of all of that, part of it is gone and that’s the part you now grieve.

It’s the loss of hope.

Too Much

Wow – I don’t exactly know what to talk about today. I was awake far too early this morning due to life and emotions and stuff. And things are busy – at work, and with Mind Reels stuff (setting up next radio play for later this week), and with me stuff. Overwhelmed a bit again, I guess.

Anyway.

Completely lost the photo contest thingy. By a lot. It wasn’t even close, as of about 9:30pm. The eventual winner put on an impressive last minute push to win by a landslide. So that’s done.

Weekend was busy. Went to the zoo and met up with my mom and brother for what was a very windy but still ultimately fun and nice day together. My friends Steve and Sarah joined us, and we managed to get mom to see/meet most of the animals on the main list. It was Kiko the giraffe’s 4^th birthday, as well, so we were able to help him celebrate while he and Mstari (who celebrated her 3^rd birthday recently) enjoyed some delicious pumpkins and the like.

I was supposed to go out Saturday night but I was beyond exhausted by the time I got home from the zoo, and ended up staying in and plying myself with alcohol before heading to bed. Sunday was also busy…up at 6am to go volunteer (but managed to leave my place 45 minutes late and didn’t stay as long as usual). I still don’t know what happened there – I probably never really will – nor do I know how much longer I’ll go in every week. But last week and this week were both…emotional…yet I felt like I really did help in some small way. Even just with little things, like giving opossums and hedgehogs fresh food and water, and having them come out to eat and drink right away, even though they are nocturnal. And spending a few quick but affectionate minutes with Edward the micro pig before I leave each week – after I get the dishes done, of course! Just little things, but they need to be done, and it feels like it’s appreciated. So even though it’s a lot of change and uncertainty and sadness, there are still some bright spots.

No birds said “hello”, though. That hurt my heart some. Several things did this weekend, though, to be fair.

The rest of the day…I can’t even remember. Just chores, mostly. Brody and I went to PetValu to pick up some things, and I did more dishes…I recall making us some amazing popcorn for when I finally got a chance to sit down. I tried to sort some things out, but didn’t get much accomplished on that score. Will have to actually get my week planned out now that I know when the radio play is, because I also have my Writer in Residence meeting on Saturday, and want to be prepared for that. I have to make a small list and focus for a little bit, because there is a lot on the old plate.

Also, more crunchy Cheetos may soon be in order. So addictive and delicious!

Making Things Better

Wow! At last count, my photo is still in the lead with 135 votes so far! Voting ends Sunday night at 11:59pm, so if you haven’t already, please go vote! Mine is the CN Tower reflection on page 8, and you can find it by scrolling to the bottom of the photos on the first page, then clicking on page 8 in the list. You’ll see my photo at least halfway down the page, if not closer to the bottom. And I think it’s still in the middle of the row, though people keep adding more pictures at the front, which shifts things around every once in awhile. Anyway – please vote for mine! I’d love to win that GoPro, among other things!

In related news, a co-worker asked what the first place prize was, and when I showed him, he started mocking the GoPro, because it’s not the latest model, or something. He didn’t even look at the rest. I was, like, “Well, it’s more up-to-date than the none I have now!”

Not that I actually said that. I thought it, though. At least he’d already voted for my picture by then.

Moving forward with planning a radio play reading for next week, as well as the beginning stages of a proposal for applying to set a new Guinness World Record. My bear should be visit-able any time now, my new legit credit card should arrive any day now, I started my day with a spoonful of buckwheat honey and honey butter (okay, not a spoon-FULL, but a taste), I have to find time to get my thoughts on Carving The Light together before I meet with the Writer in Residence next weekend, and follow-up on a few more projects that I’ve started but haven’t really moved on for quite some time. I’ve realized that I could probably do well at a couple of things if I really focus on them, but I keep spreading myself too thin in trying to do bits of too many things. So if I can force myself to really do it, I will hopefully trim down my list of projects and things to try and just starting focusing much more deliberately on the ones with which I think I can have the most success.

Part of my difficulty is that I like trying things. I like learning and experimenting and I love accomplishing something, even when it’s something small. From breaking a Guinness World Record with an event I’ll always be proud of, to a sweet little display of Star Wars (mostly Luke Skywalker-themed) stuff in my apartment, to raising wildflowers from seed for the first time…I find I’m always trying to make my world – my every day life – better. More me, if you will. More attuned to the thoughts circling through my mind.

I don’t know if I’ll be good at something until I try. Unless it’s sports or otherwise requiring athleticism and/or grace. Then I know I’m not going to succeed at all.

On another note entirely, I think I expect too much of some of my friends, and should get back to seeing my therapist regularly. Maybe that will help me be a better friend all round.

Debating Equality And Stuff

My photo is still in the lead – with 4 more days left to vote (including today)!

http://snaptoit2016.pgtb.me/m3SM8X/lnt7l

As well, my appointment to speak with the library’s current Writer in Residence has been booked for next Saturday afternoon! I am nervous but excited for that. I want to familiarize myself with the book as it currently is, but also be as prepared as possible to talk about the changes I want to make. I’d like to get the most I can out of this meeting, and hopefully find myself at a point where I can move forward with it all very soon. We’ll see. At least now I have a target date to be ready to talk about it all with a perfect stranger! Haha

My order from The Honey Bee Store is out for delivery today, too. That will hopefully make up for the rainy dreary day we’re having!

I was thinking – instead of trying to elevate the status of women to make them more equal to men, we might be more successful if we instead lowered the status of men. Pay men what women in the same job position make, and see how quickly things change. Find ways to make men walk – literally and figuratively – in women’s shoes.

I mean, obviously it would be impossible for them to gain any sort of real understanding of the female experience in this society, let alone in any others. They won’t have grown up putting limits on their dreams, because no matter how amazing they are at, say, a particular sport, they won’t inherently know that they will never have the chance to play in the World Series or fight for the Stanley Cup or earn that shiny Superbowl ring. None of them had to stop playing and go help make dinner and set the table while their brother was allowed to keep playing Lego. Because we had to learn how to be good wives one day. Yet none of them had to learn to be good husbands.

They won’t really understand about going to public washrooms in groups, or walking alone on a dark street clutching keys between the knuckles of one hand, or even wearing clothes that were designed to fit snug to the body – just not necessarily your body. I guess if they had to walk around in a tight bodysuit all the time, they’d get kind of an idea what it can feel like, but not really. They won’t have lived with it every day.

It’s like that whole FB meme when Trump whined about how Clinton was given more time during one of the debates than he was, when in actual fact, he was given about a minute and a half longer than she was. It’s just that, to men, being treated as equal to women feels like they are being ripped off; as though it isn’t fair.

Even much of the language surrounding women in politics is designed to strip them of a bit of their power and presence; the same power and presence we allow the men in politics to retain. Referring to Wynne as “Premiere Mom”, or to Hillary by her first name as opposed to Trump by his last. ‘Cause he’s just one of the guys, after all, right?

As a side note, I don’t watch the debates or even really pay attention to anything he has to say – except to laugh at him – because I don’t feel he’s worth my time nor energy. His ‘y’ chromosome makes him genetically inferior to me, so I figure I get to decide who’s worth my spending some of my finite time on this planet with, and he’s not one. He’s an orange footnote with bad fake hair. How’s that for equal treatment?

And yes, I know it’s not all men, and not all women, and a lot has changed even as nothing will really ever change. I get it. I see it. I know it. I keep believing that the general public is at least intelligent enough to hold a conversation which doesn’t reside solely in absolutes, but admittedly the general public is almost always the first to prove me wrong, so whatever.

It’s just some of the things I’ve been thinking about.

Tick Tock

My vote count in the photo contest has gone over 100 today! So awesome! I’m still in the lead – I think the next person closest to me as around 80 votes – so now I just have to stay there until Sunday night at midnight! I realized earlier that I was so obsessed with the possibility of winning a GoPro that I’d forgotten the other awesome aspects of the first place prize – tickets to the CN Tower and having my photo featured in the 2017 magazine and coupon book. Those are pretty fantastic, too! I haven’t been up the Tower since I was here in Grade 8 on a field trip with my class.

So if you haven’t yet, and you have a Facebook account, please go vote for my CN Tower reflection photo on page 8 at this link: http://snaptoit2016.pgtb.me/m3SM8X/lnt7l And tell everyone you can think of to do it, too! Let’s get me a GoPro to play with, and the chance to take even more photos than I already do! 😉

I was also thinking I might (one of these days) re-jig my Flickr account to highlight what I feel are my best photos from over the years. I am far from photographer level, but I might be able to convince people I’m an amateur, at least. If in turns of having an eye for some things, rather than the equipment or the training or the consistency in talent. Just a vague occasional visual sense. But it could make for a pretty cool Flickr page.

On my way home from work last night, I had a pretty cool idea for a possible Guinness World Record attempt. I was having trouble determining what the actual title would be, and there wasn’t anything that I could find on their website that was similar to what I want to do, so I emailed the basic initial idea to Tim this morning, and he got pretty excited about it, too. Part of me wants to try setting something up even if GWR doesn’t approve it as an official attempt, just because it would be cool marketing and something different that I don’t think has really been done before.

I keep wanting to do things that are a little different, apparently. It’s always been there, that desire to be a little extra creative and stand out in certain ways (not in some ways, though, hence my attempts to be invisible as a kid). I find the ideas and passion behind them are coming more frequently now as I grow older. I keep feeling the need to leave my mark in positive (or just super cool and creative) ways.

Maybe that’s my version of a biological clock.