Life Goes By

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Halloween was my favourite holiday for a long time. Probably for the longest period of the time I’ve had favourite holidays.

Now I don’t think I do anymore; have a favourite. They all just kind of go by without me noticing. I mean, the ones that make a long weekend, I notice. But even then, it’s mostly in terms of what’s still open, store-wise, and occasionally seeing if I can do a thing or two for myself on one of my days off.

I experimented with giving myself additional long weekends from work this past summer, and pretty much failed completely at making them work in my favour. So even those aren’t as great as they used to be in that sense. Holidays that everyone gets are usually worse, somehow.

And even though it’s Halloween and not a day off kind of holiday, the fun seems to be gone from it, for me. I’m not even excited about cheap candy day tomorrow, because I can’t afford any even then.

However, did a pretty great interview with an actor from Star Trek that we’d never met before. He was very awesome, and friendly, and not at all difficult on the eyes! AND we scored new Star Trek mugs! What?! So much fun, and a nice break in an otherwise Monday-y morning!

I got to put my feet up for a bit yesterday. Not at all as much as I needed to, but still…it helped. Especially with Flynn, who is still sick today but seemed to be in a good mood yesterday, just because I was around more. I haven’t been home much lately, and it’s taken a toll on all of us, I think. Even Brody was bringing me his ball to play with last night, something he hasn’t done in months! It’s good to feel like my company is wanted and appreciated, and I try to make sure they know that I want and appreciate theirs, as well.

I even got a couple of important tasks done, though the laundry is piling up again, and I am not sure when I’ll have the chance to do that. But still, the things I did accomplish are good, and hopefully positive steps moving forward.

We’ll see. I’m going nowhere fast, but after Friday and Saturday were big enough that I haven’t had time to fully process them yet even now, I feel like I did still manage to get a bit of a break yesterday, and that’s the main thing, I guess. Sometimes even a little bit of something positive is better than nothing at all. Not enough to balance out the overwhelming-ness of everything else – not even close – but I’m halfway through today and still going, so that’s something.

Overwhelmed

So angry and frustrated and tired today. Probably just PMS, but man – I am not putting up with shit as much as I usually do. No tolerance or patience whatsoever.

Doing our “scary” Halloween radio play tonight, though. That will be fun.

Feeling so overwhelmed right now. Or lately. I think that’s part of the reason I can’t sleep much. Which then makes it more difficult to be productive during the day, which stresses me out more.

I can’t even think of anything to say right now. I have so much to do. Work and life are too much sometimes.

I need to find a better balance.

And book some vacation days to visit my polar bear.

For now, though, I pretty much have to get back to work, I guess.

I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Too Much Of A Good Thing

I don’t know, guys. I am not feeling great on any level these days, really.

Do you ever get a little overwhelmed with life, but realize it’s kind of your own fault for wanting to do things you like to do, even if there’s not enough time, money and/or energy to do them?

I’m still trying to recover from Sunday’s massive CSA night. It’s now Friday, and I’m still so exhausted that I trip over nothing – nothing but the fact that I just didn’t life my foot up high enough while walking! What the hell is THAT about?! I mean, technically I know what it’s about, but at the same time, seriously? I can’t consistently lift my feet enough to walk? That goes beyond simply dragging my feet. It’s a level of constant fatigue that I’ve not known long enough or often enough to be used to yet.

Tonight is the usual Friday night Date Night with the girls (and possibly Austin), but it’s also the beginning of Toronto Comicon weekend, for which Mind Reels has been granted media access. This year it’s for the entire weekend, which we’ve never had before, and I’m crazy excited about that! Yet part of me is also, like, when am I ever going to sleep again? Comicon all weekend and then back to work on Monday.

That’s not to say that I don’t sleep at all, merely that I haven’t gotten enough sleep in a very long time. I’m not even sure it’s possible to get enough, really, as this whole disease and MS medication combination has made days much harder to get through than I remember them being. For the most part, it’s totally manageable, but the problem comes more when a)I’m sick or have recently been sick, and b) when I overdo things to the point of making myself more tired than usual. Everything takes longer to recover from now. I am still fighting the sinus cold from two weeks ago (I have just started getting a hint of my sense of smell back as of this morning), for example. And because I’ve had long days every day since Sunday night’s CSA gala, I haven’t had a chance to get enough rest to get back up to my normal level of tired. Throw in a time change and I’m kind of a mess.

I might be running mostly on adrenaline, really, because so much is happening that I am excited about and eager for that I have a hard time slowing down. The less spare time I have to do other things, the more I try to fit them in. I got some wool and felting needles last night after work. But when I got home, after all the regular things were done, I had a billion dishes to do. So that was my night. I got the supplies, but pretty much put them away as soon as I got home, because there wasn’t any time left to experiment with them. Even then, I was still in bed later than I would have liked, so today has been a bit more of a struggle so far. BUT it’s also really busy, so I’m ploughing through as best I can. The urgency of being busy keeps me going.

But it also stresses me out.

It’s weird to be so excited about so many things, but to also be so stressed out by those same many things. It’s like an emotional roller-coaster, but more of an invisible one, or imaginary one, because I’m still doing things. I’m still happy to do things. And they are mostly all things I want to do, not just have to do. I even enjoy most of them.

Every so often, though, I have to check myself and go, “Why are you so upset right now? How can you be happy and upset at the same time, about the same stuff?”

Sometimes brains don’t really make much sense.