Cold

I was in a good mood. Now I’m not. Ridiculous.

Anyway.

I hate being cold.

I’ve spent a lot of time being cold, in my life, and I’ve always hated it.

Just over a year ago, I bought a new winter coat when my very old one (which I didn’t like, but at least it helped keep me warm) broke to the point where I decided it was no longer worth salvaging. It was also quite cold then, so it was important to me to get a new coat as soon as possible. And as inexpensively as possible, to boot.

I carefully picked through the women’s coat section at the new Winners nearby, and was disgusted at the lack of functionality. I could be stylish, yet not remotely warm.

To hell with that.

So I bought a man’s coat. One I don’t love, and which is now quite huge on me, compared to when I first bought it, but at least it helps to keep me warm. I’ll take functionality over style any day, when it comes to winter coats. Apparently, however, that would be easier if I were a man.

We are a strange breed, we human beings.

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Monday TIFF-day

As expected, I am suffering somewhat today.

However, the show must go on. As must life! So with another busy day and late night ahead of me, and the beginnings of a cold that have been hanging around for over a week now, I’m having some spicy kimchi noodles from the convenience store on the corner. Hoping that’ll at least keep me warm until lunch time!

Also because tasty.

Even though I can’t afford to go to TIFF, and especially because it still feels strange to not be on vacation and heading to screenings, I think I should plan to book at least the front end off next year. The Mind Reels is not accredited press on an official level, but we’re still getting more than enough festival action coming our way, and I am broken and exhausted right now.

Luckily I still have paid sick days available. Self care time is upon me, I think.

Remember to sponsor and share our Patreon page (http://www.patreon.com/TheMindReels), as just $2 per month gets you on the Patron board, and gets us closer to our initial $100 goal than ever before!

I filmed as much as I could for Canada In A Day, so once I get feeling better and have a bit more energy, I’ll be able to start going through the footage and cutting it together. There’s unfortunately not very much of it – the day didn’t really go as planned – but there’s some. Hopefully I can at least create a mini-narrative of my day, such as it was, and then share it online once it’s been submitted. I think the cut-off is a month from today, so while I have time in theory, I don’t think I have much time i practice. My next few weeks are pretty busy, too. SOMETHING will get submitted, though! Some clip may even make it in! I filmed Brody a bit, and he’s irresistible!

Tonight is going to be a late night. Not sure how I’ll get through it, exactly, but at the same time, if it’s as much fun as last year, I think my billionth wind will kick in nicely! Just have to get there, is all! I haven’t really been to many TIFF parties – or any others, that I can recall – but I think the Canada one would be my favourite, anyway. It’s just got an unpretentious vibe to it. Plus, I know a lot of the people who will potentially be there, so once the initial red carpet formalities are out of the way, everyone just gets to hang together, which is nice. I even just like people-watching in an environment like that; when everyone is relaxed and having fun together. It’s just nice.

Plus, if there are chips and beer, I’m all good!

Anyway, it’ll be amazing, I’m sure. I wish I felt better so I could enjoy it more, but really, just being there will be worth it. Knowing me, I’ll forget how crappy I feel shortly after my arrival, anyway!

Expect Less

Still grumpy today, so feel free to not read on.

Definitely nothing interesting or important to report. Just general misplaced anger, as usual.

Anxiety is making sure I don’t sleep much, too, of course, so I imagine that adds to my overall grumpy nature. Annoying.

I spent a good deal of the weekend thinking about cancelling…pretty much everything. Or some things. I still haven’t really decided. It’s frustrating to think about and frustrating not to at the same time. Definitely have some decisions to make, but none of them look to have positive outcomes, no matter what I decide. So that’s frustrating, as well.

The fairies are telling me to travel so I can learn and grow and meet someone significant or perhaps even move. I’m to ask them for financial help and planning assistance. I don’t know how to do that, but it’d be cool if I did. I also have zero idea where I would go. I mean, there are tons of places I want to check out, of course, but learning and growing and meeting and moving is a lot of pressure to put on a simple little trip. I don’t know that anything at the top of my list would have the potential to be particularly life altering, even if I was granted a way to make it happen. Of course, I’ve taken other trips that turned out to be much more than what I’d expected, so I guess there’s potential in pretty much anything.

In my experience, though, it usually happens when you least expect it, so trying to plan an epic trip without expecting it to be epic is the key.

My horoscope for the day is telling me to think about ways I can trim the mental and physical excess baggage from my life, so that I can better embrace the “less is more” philosophy. Not sure what I think about that. Maybe thinking is part of the excess baggage.

So many roadblocks lately. Every step I try to take is met with resistance; even what should have been small, simple ones. I don’t understand. I’m even trying to be more brief in my communications, yet get shut down just as quickly, if not more so. I don’t know. I really, really don’t.

The term “spotting” seems far more pleasant than anything that’s actually happening.

My neurologist this morning noticed my hair is longer than it was when we last saw one another. Cute! Now, of course, I won’t see him until December (barring any unforeseen issues in the meantime), which means it’s almost winter already.

I’ve also been told there’s a note on my health card file to contact the ministry. I suspect I’ll be separated from my red and white card very soon now.

I suddenly feel a bit feverish, or something. I am well overdue for my next cold, though, so can’t say as I’d be surprised to be sick again by the end of the day! Haha

I feel like I don’t get to hang out with my friends much anymore. But I also feel like I’m not always sure who they are – or what friendship is, I guess is more the issue. I know it’s always been fluid and, if not temporary, then at least not always constant. It always changes, like everything. I guess I just wanted something more…I don’t know what the word is. Something more something. I just didn’t realize it. Or maybe it’s just an effect of the grumpiness skewing things in that realm, too. Making me feel like I still don’t know how to friendship. Haha

It was once suggested, in high school, that I was having a nervous breakdown. I don’t buy it, though. I think it would be more of a thing.

A guy on the subway this morning had two plastic bags full of lettuce, and on one a tiny caterpillar was trying to work its way somewhere, but was having trouble navigating the outside of the bag. I watched it for the whole ride, thinking about how it was going to die soon, all alone and far from home. Also saw what looked like a raccoon hand on the sidewalk. Tough to be sure, given that it was so flat and all, but it was definitely someone’s hand. Or foot.

The things we leave behind.

I feel like everything is coming together even as it all falls apart, while remaining enough the same that it’s driving me nuts. Can’t sleep. But can definitely eat, and drink, so there’s that.

This blog is one of the things I’m thinking about cancelling, since I can’t even remember the point of writing it, anymore, and I’m pretty sure it’s not working the way I’d hoped, anyway. It’s more likely, though, that I’ll finish out the year (due to stubbornness), and then delete it all. Maybe I’ll even get super open and honest right near the end, and then destroy all evidence so that it can’t be held against me in the future.

Not sure what to do. About anything, it seems. Each step hits a wall, no matter which direction I go.

For now, all I can think to do is just sit in the silence and hope something shifts my way, but that feels really lazy. My horoscope does say to apply mental restraint on my actions, so at least that matches somewhat.

Still seems lazy and needy, though. And those are things I hate about myself. Do or not do. Just equals more walls, as far as I’m concerned.

So be it. Another day’s post done.

On Making Friends

Guys, I don’t feel good!

My skin hurts, I can’t breathe, my sinuses itch (along with my ears and throat) and my body aches. Pretty sure I’m rocking a fever, though very low-grade, so it’s okay. So tired, and have another late night tonight.

BUT it’s Gala 2 of the Canadian Screen Awards, and I gotta say – I’m pretty excited for it! It’s always more fun than night 1, but also more low-key than the big broadcast gala, because that bad boy is televised, and so everyone gets away with much less than the non-televised event. I am definitely looking forward to tonight and Sunday, regardless of how sick I may or may not feel by then.

Also, today a friend I haven’t seen in years stopped in to pick up a mic for her new camera! She messaged me on Facebook to see if I even still worked here – that’s how long it’s been! I gave her my number and told me to text when she got here and I’d run up to say hi. She did, and I did, and I stayed to watch the transaction take place because I have very little idea of how to use the new system to create a new customer and process a credit card transaction, etc. So I actually learned something, AND got to catch up a bit with an old friend!

Turns out she’s getting into something similar to what Tim and I do, so I think I want to try and bring her into the studio sometimes when we need an op to monitor the sound and switch between cameras. We need more operators available than just our one poor go-to guy!

It’s kind of weird how, like – before the internet, I wrote letters – and sometimes even used the phone, though I don’t like the phone at all – to keep in touch with people. If we lived near one another, we’d even hang out in person on occasion (or daily, in University). Then came the internet and I found I was all about email. I loved being able to sit in the same room with someone and have secret conversations via email instead of out loud. I liked, too, being able to tell when they’d read it, based on their reactions!

I didn’t get my first cell phone until 2003, and that was largely because I was angry at my ex. It was a little thing, but bulky, and didn’t have camera functions or anything fancy. I used it to talk on sometimes, but that’s when I realized how much I prefer texting, and I have to say – I haven’t looked back! Pretty much all I do now is text or email or what-have-you. I mean, I have a smartphone now, so I can do way more than I could on that first little phone. But compared to what my current phone is actually capable of, and what I usually use it for…vast difference.

Lara, the friend who dropped in today, has been in my life for almost as long as I’ve been in Toronto, give or take a year or so. I had email when we met, but no cell phone. I even carried around a little mini phone/address book thingy to keep track of contact info so I wouldn’t lose anybody.

I carry around a lot of stuff, actually. In case I need it sometime.

Anyway, so Lara and I live in the same city, but we’ve both left for long-ish periods of time, so that’s likely contributed to why we lost touch. Also we don’t hang around in the same circles anymore. I don’t think it’s a case of “you make time for the people you want to see” things, because it’s not really an issue of being too busy. I think it’s because we both know we don’t have to. Our friendship is so easy and low-maintenance that we can go several years without even really talking to one another, and yet she can drop by my work and suddenly it’s like no time has passed. We’ve caught up in five minutes and are already making each other laugh!

I mean, we keep semi-track of one another on Facebook, of course, but not on a regular basis. We just will see something turn up in our feeds and like or comment and move along with our daily lives.

Not because we have to, not because we want to, but because we can. Because we both know that the other is there, no matter what.

Though, after Alysia died, I stopped seeing people as anything other than temporary. Not like in a mortality way, because I’m aware that we’re all going to go sometime. But more in a time is precious kind of way. I tell people I love them way more often now, for example.

I wonder sometimes if friendships formed largely online will last as long or be as stable as the ones we forged in more organic and personal ways. It’s much easier to maintain more friendships via online interactions and social media, but only time will tell if the setting and method of friendshipping will end up having made a difference.

Will we find we are more connected to one another? Or less?

Busy Day, But Boring Post

Gotta say, guys, I am hurting today.  Physically, for the most part.  I don’t have much time, because I have to head down to the first Canadian Screen Awards gala tonight, and a certain puppy dog licks my arm if I stop petting him while I try to type.  I got very little sleep last night, and I am sick. It’s all very distracting, so this will be short and boring.  I promise to try and do better next time!

So, last night ended up being really nice, despite the occasion.  I went out for dinner with the families and a few other of us close friend types.  The service was not the greatest, but the company definitely was.  As was the food, so really, no complaints.  Despite the fact that I had to get home to Brody and take him out for a walk, I ended up going with Kristi to meet up with other close friend types for post dinner beers, while the Boyers headed back home.  There were a few near tears moments, but mostly there was a lot of laughter, and it all actually made for a really nice evening all together.

I of course got home super late, but Brody is pretty much the best dog in the world, so all was well.  I got him walked and everyone fed and then I headed to bed.

I’d hoped I’d have a sexy voice when I got up this morning, but I did not.  At least I don’t sound as sick as I feel yet, though.

I was up at 6am because I had an early appointment with my neurologist this morning.  Just a regular check up kind of deal.  Once that was done, I headed to the zoo.  I had three animals I wanted to visit, but of course I ended up adding on several more and stayed a good hour and a half longer than planned.  A small part of that was Steve’s fault for being so fun to be around, but mostly I blame the animals.  They were in moods today and I was having fun.  Damn you, good times!  Always getting in the way of my going home to be alone!

I finally got a look at the panda cubs….oh my goodness.  They really are too cute to be real.  Seriously.  I was also happy to see their mama, Er Shun, because it’s been quite a while since I saw her last, and I missed her!  She seems to be settling into the role of mama bear quite nicely, and she looked great.  She looked content with her bamboo and her babies.  Made my heart swell with happy.

Headed to the polar bear area to see young miss Juno and the adult bears.  Aurora and Nikita put on a SHOW, especially for anyone who was watching from the underwater viewing area.  The sisters were both in the pool, and they started wrestling and playing, and just being giant silly fools.  I see where the cubs get it from.

Juno was adorable, but while she was asleep or out of view for much of the time I was there, I did get to hear her talking at one point, and that made my heart swell with the happy, too!  Man I love bears!

Finally, my gorillas of love.  I spent time with them last, just before I left to head home.  We walked into the room and the first thing we saw was baby Nneka sitting on a stump with a wad of cotton stuffing on her head!  I muttered something like, “Oh my dear sweet Lord” and reached for my camera but was too late to catch it.  The troop was being wacky overall.  Saddling kept pulling a big tree branch down, then letting it fly back up as he ran away.  For some reason Nassir and Nneka were a bit weirded out by a low-hanging branch on the other side, until Ngozi pulled the whole thing out by the roots and let her kids then run around with it for awhile.

It was interesting that Charles never felt he need to get involved and settle everyone down, but mama Ngozi had it all well in hand.  We saw Charles later walking along with little Nneka at his side.  So freaking cute.  He’s so big and she is so little, but she likes to sit like daddy does, and then she was rolling around in front of him to get his attention.

I love that family.  ❤️

Okay, I really need to start getting ready for tonight’s big event!  I just wish I could figure out when I’ll ever be able to get a bit more sleep!

More tomorrow!