There Is No Try

Once again, I’m too tired and distracted to really know what I feel like talking about. I can think of tons of things I don’t feel like talking about, but that doesn’t really help! Haha

I think part of the reason my weekend didn’t go well was a distinct lack of planning. I told the birds that it was possible that the only reason I made it out there at all yesterday was because it was the one plan I did have going into the weekend. Thus, it was the only thing I accomplished.

Anyway, my plan for this week is to pick a focus and stick to it. Fan Expo isn’t for another week and a half, so I can leave that a little longer. The only thing left to do ahead of time, I think, is to purchase the other photo op I want, anyway. So that can all wait, at least until I get a few other things out of the way first.

Wednesday evening, the Mind Reels will be recording our fourth radio play – a thus far all-girl (plus Tim) episode of Flash Gordon from 1935, I believe. I’ve got the scripts together, and have to email details to the awesome cast we have coming in. I also have to respond to a few of their questions before the day, too. Maybe later today, if I can find time.

We’ll also be announcing the fan-chosen winners of our very first awards show, the Reelies. That’s another project that got away from me, so I’ll be happy to have it done, at least for this year. It’s not ending up at all like I had planned, but little does. It should still be fun, however, and I’ll whip up a post to go along with the video link. Unfortunately, we won’t be going live for any of it, but there are a couple of things I can possibly do to keep people involved a bit on Wednesday night, and definitely after the video is posted, highlight our new Instagram account, and possibly even plug Patreon a little.

Speaking of Patreon, we are getting close to my target for launching the page, so I need to turn some attention toward getting that set up this week, as well. I am still hoping to launch on my birthday (because it’s the beginning of the month), but that hope fades with each passing day, so I’ll see what I can do between now and then. I keep battling the voice inside that says to just quit before I start, because the venture will likely be an abysmal failure, anyway, and why bother putting all this time and energy into something that is probably going to fall so flat? So I keep reminding myself – so what if it does? As with my Guinness World Record attempt and event, I have already learned a lot and stand to learn so much more by pushing through with it. As such, there will be more skills to add to my resume for later or just-in-case. And besides, if I don’t do it, I’m always going to wonder if I would have gotten anywhere with it, so it’s better to just try and see how it goes. I can always pull the plug later on, if need be.

It definitely won’t go anywhere if I don’t even try, right?

Or…just do it. There is no try.

So Reelies/radio play, Patreon finishing touches, and Fan Expo. That’s mostly all just Mind Reels stuff. I don’t know if there is anything pressing in my real life – I have to keep careful track of my budget for the next little while, as the slightest mistake could spell more trouble than I can fix. I’m seeing my dentist tonight so she can have a look at my split tooth and possibly patch the pain away ahead of my actual appointment set for a couple of weeks from now. I’ll have to check into my volunteer schedule because I won’t be able to do it over the long weekend, as I’ll be at Fan Expo for most of it. But that can wait. This week – just regular stuff – budget, groceries, dishes and other little cleaning tasks at home, perhaps re-planting some of my wildflowers into bigger pots (though that also likely won’t be this week, so never mind), hopefully getting more sleep because I am really struggling right now. Nothing too special. I guess the Mind Reels takes up most of my extra time, at the moment. Which is fine, as it’s usually more interesting than my real life, anyway.

I have a lot of questions in my head; things I need to sort out about myself sometime soon. But not today. It’s Monday, and there are other things I also need to do. Sometimes it’s just difficult to tell which is more pressing. Which is closer to living life as opposed to just awaiting its inevitable end?

Maybe someday the gaps between the personal and “professional” – between private and public – won’t seem so far apart.

What Am I Doing?

“This job you have, sure it pays the bills, but are you happy?”

“Does it matter?”

“It’s your LIFE.”

  • Oliver and Maggie, This Life

This exchange between siblings on the TV series This Life was short but powerful to me, because it kind of expressed what my brain has been trying to tell me for a long time now.  Namely, what the hell am I doing?

I don’t need my job to make me happy.  I have other things on the go that work towards doing that, and a day job is just one piece of my life.  Albeit a fairly large piece, time and energy-wise.

While it is not the key to happiness, though, it IS important to feeling content.  And for me that’s what’s been missing.  For many years, I felt valued, and useful, and like I was contributing to something.  In recent years, however, I’ve been feeling more like a body that’s only there to fill a spot in the schedule.  I’ve been disheartened, and felt under-valued and vastly under-used.  Like my talents are being wasted.  Like I am being wasted.  And that has led to feeling like I have nothing to offer at all.

I sometimes believe I feel trapped, but I think it’s more that I just feel inconsequential.  Like my skills aren’t being utilized because maybe I just don’t have any.  Which is silly, of course, but since when did feelings ever make logical sense?  It definitely has not helped my depression nor my alcoholic tendencies at all, that’s for sure!

When someone asks, “What do you do?” I find it increasingly difficult not to respond with something like, “Mostly I just flail in frustration, sometimes cry, and often refrain from flipping my desk and storming out in a rage.”

Is that any way to go through the majority of your days?

And again, I don’t need to be happy at my job.  I just need it to feel like less of a waste.

I realize whining about it won’t help (but I reserve the right to do so, anyway), and that any real changes need to come from me.  So my dilemma now is this: I have no idea which changes to make, or where to even start.

Do I put in a more concerted effort to force change there?  Do I look elsewhere for something that won’t leave me feeling like a waste of space every day?  If so, what would I even look FOR.  I know I intend to volunteer with animals in the spring.  Should I wait and see if that helps elevate my general mood and sense of purpose?  Do I try to save up money to take a class of some sort?

What do I even WANT to do?  It’s gotten a tad late to decide what I want to be when I grow up, yet I’m finding it difficult (if not impossible) to decide what I want to be tomorrow.  Or next month.  Or next year.  It’s like I can’t even see an employment future for myself.  All I see are endless days of putting my head down and trying to feel less worse than I did the day before.

My day job is not who I am.  But it’s a big piece of my life.  And since it’s a big piece that I don’t even like, I need to start finding a way to change that.  Change how it makes me feel.

Now to figure out where and how to start.