So, this coming Monday is the start of Canadian Screen Week, which has quickly settled into position as my new favourite event of the year. On the whole, Canada has never been very vocal about its own awesomeness, so to have a week-long celebration of the Canadian film and television industry is a huge step in recognizing some of the things we do really well. Patting ourselves on the back isn’t something we do very often, and I’m finding that it’s not only fun to do, but also something we have earned the right to do once in awhile.
Plus, I have friends in the nominee list each year, and that tickles me some. I am proud of them.
This year, The Mind Reels will be covering Canadian Screen Week – and especially the big awards ceremony broadcast gala next Sunday – with a larger presence than we ever have before. We’re adding a few new elements to our coverage, and continuing on with the tried and true things we’ve done before.
As crazy excited as I am about it, though, all of it also comes tied intrinsically to memories of losing one my closest friends (and Brody’s momma), Alysia Graham, in the #JAKEhouse fire during this week two years ago.
On this particular day in 2014, I was nervous about covering a non-broadcast gala by myself for the first time. Tim wasn’t able to make it, but I felt The Mind Reels needed to continue our presence at the events, at least in some form, as a sort of thank you to Touchwood PR for allowing us to participate as much as they do. I never want to give the impression that we are any less grateful than we are for all the support we receive from those amazing Touchwood peeps!
I knew I wouldn’t be doing any interviews that night, because it seemed weird to do it without Tim, and besides that, I really was nervous as hell. I remember trying to figure out how much beer I could pound to calm my nerves but not be THAT girl in the press room. But aside from beer, what actually ended up being my saving grace that night?
We’d joked about trying to sneak her in with me AS Tim, but in reality, that girl gave up a few hours of her night at home to text me constant support as I tried to settle into my place in the press room on my own. Thanks to her – her support, her humour, and her ability to seem present even from across the city – I was able to calm down enough to figure out a kind of perfect (for me) plan of attack.
Part of my luck was in the fact that my nominated friends ended up freaking winning in their categories! The winners were brought back to a red carpet area in the press room, where photos could be taken and quick interviews could be had. Rather than setting myself up there, though, I hung back a bit, and as they left the red carpet, I grabbed a few seconds for hugs, handshakes and a quick silly selfie. I had the idea because I thought it would be fun to send them to Alysia as I took them. As well, however, I realized that I could Instagram them and share to social media in real time, using all the appropriate tags, and it would make for a rather fun and unique bit of coverage for the event as a whole.
Thanks to that kiddo’s generosity with her time that night, I not only got past my nerves enough to survive the night, but I also stumbled across what’s become a bit of a Mind Reels staple moving forward, and had a great time doing it.
Little did I know – in no way could anyone know – that just 2 days later, that vibrant young girl would be gone, and the world forever changed as a result. I think even now there is a part of me that still can’t understand how someone so present could suddenly just not be here anymore. My mind railed against it for a long time after, so I think true grieving for me didn’t begin until I let myself accept it. Until I let myself feel it, and stopped trying to control it or compare it to what anyone else was feeling.
Grief is a weird thing, isn’t it? We all go through it, many times, over the course of our lives. To varying degrees, sure, but we all have to live with it. And yet it’s so different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate grief. There’s no guidebook or manual to show you how to get through it. I’m not even sure anyone CAN get through grief. I think you just learn to live with it, and it becomes a part of a new you.
It’s kind of painfully ironic to me that my brief friendship with Alysia could have me feeling more like myself, but that then losing her so suddenly could change me so much more. If I thought it was confusing before, trying to figure myself out, it became infinitely more so after. The world turned upside down and inside out and fell off its axis and my emotions became so raw I not only didn’t know how to express them, but I also stopped being able to contain or monitor or edit them. Sometimes, things just come out now; still now. And most of the time, I don’t know why, nor what to do with any of it.
By this time last year, I was consumed with dread over the pending first anniversary of the fire. I was having regular panic attacks and had no idea how to face it or get through it to the following day. I didn’t know how to help her family and friends, who had quickly become my family and friends, too, because it was the only way I felt like I could keep her close. To keep her people close, and help take care of them for her, as best I could. If I could at all. And part of that fear, I think, was not only surrounding that first anniversary, but also in the vast of uncertainty of…what next? What about March 8th? What the fuck would any of us do then? When the year of firsts is over, what are we supposed to do in the days that follow?
What happens when there are no more firsts?
My terror was that focus might then revert to lasts. And I wasn’t sure how to move forward into a life of lasts, let alone how to be a useful support to those who’d lost her more than I.
This year is a little different. Not more or less difficult, but different nonetheless. The panic and dread is not as overwhelming, I think because we have gotten through March 7th, March 8th, and almost an entire year after that. And the focus has not changed to lasts, as I’d feared. I’m actually scheduled to work on March 7th, which I’m not sure was the best idea ever, but hopefully it will at least be distracting to a point.
Hopefully. I’m a bit worried about it, actually. Maybe I can meet up with people after work for a bit, just to mark the day together, or something. We’ll see.
As for March 8th, I have THAT day off, and unintentionally filled it with things I can look forward to. An appointment with my neurologist in the morning (okay I look forward to that less, but it’s good to have someone keeping an eye on my health), a trip to the zoo to – among other things – meet some baby panda cubs for the first time (and maybe with luck a baby rhino dude), then back home and downtown to cover the first awards gala of Canadian Screen Week 2016!
I think the new me – the one I am still trying to figure out as I navigate through daily life now – will always consider this a difficult and bittersweet time of year; a time of ups and downs and memories both amazing and horrible.
But I’m learning to accept that this, too, is a part of who I am now.
And in all of the things I am learning about the process of grief- for me – one of the smallest has turned out to represent one of the biggest achievements.
Like it or not, for better or for worse, I now know I can still find a way to make it to March 8th.