Writing Prompts – Day 2 of 12

Day 2:  The One That Got Away

You bump into an ex-lover on Valentine’s Day—the one whom you often call “The One

That Got Away.” What happens?

 

I realize that I’m not quite doing these things right, but at the same time, they are writing prompts, and I am writing about them. So suck it. I’m doing it how I wanna. Haha

Anyway…I’m going to delve into the vault of my actual past relationships for this one, just out of curiosity alone.

I was trying to figure out who I would consider to be “The One That Got Away”. I mean, every one of them dumped me, not the other way around, so in that sense, they all got away. Most of them, I was eventually glad they got away for various reasons, but there are three in particular that I miss, and still sometimes wonder what life would have been like had we not broken up. Of those three, one was unlike any relationship I’ve ever had, and was only ever meant to be temporary. It was more of a glimpse into what I would like to have for myself in the future, rather than any kind of permanent long-term thing. It was always going to end, and it was never meant to be 100%, but I feel like she’d be proud of the person I’ve become, and into whom I am continuing to grow.

She wouldn’t be proud relationship-wise, obviously, because a) I haven’t been in one for a good 7 years or so, and b) I never did find the kind of pairing she’d shown me I’d want for myself. Almost, but not quite.

So that leaves me with the other two, and they are actually more alike than different, as far as our relationships went, so for the purpose of this exercise, I can pretty much use both, instead of one or the other. In this case, they are sort of interchangeable. They are both also the closest I’ve been to realizing the kind of relationship I want someday.

They are not interchangeable as people – at all – but as far as what would happen if I bumped into either one of them on Valentine’s Day. Or any day, for that matter. It would all go about the same.

For some reason, when I first pictured this encounter, it took place in a restaurant. Why I would be in a restaurant alone on Valentine’s Day is beyond me, though. Unless it was McDonald’s.

And neither woman lives in this city, so bumping into either of them would be a surprise, to say the least. However, in my first instinctive scenario, both would be with their families. The families they built on after dumping me. Both had a child or children when I met them, and one has more now. Both are married (to men, because neither was actually gay to begin with – I’m just that spectacular for short periods of time), and both love their families; families of which I’d wanted so badly to be a part. So naturally, if I’m going to run into The One That Got Away, she’s going to be happily living her life with someone else, and – more importantly – without me.

That is going to simultaneously hurt me to my core, and make me happy to see her smile.

Maybe she introduces me as an old friend. Maybe some of the people at the table already know me. Maybe she’ll tell me a little about the job she loves, and about where she’s living now. She’ll definitely share something about the kiddo(s) I know and how they’re doing now, all grown up.

She’ll ask how I am.

I’ll lie.

Even though she’s obviously happy and enjoying her life without me, I won’t want her to know how I’m actually doing. It doesn’t even necessarily have anything to do with her – or not as much as it might seem – but not having a job I love and not seeing anyone right now…just all the “nots” that she has now and I don’t. I’m jealous and sad and blaming myself for not being good enough to give her the happy life she deserves, and is now enjoying right in front of me.

I’ll tell her I’m at least okay, that things are going pretty well, I’ll brush off the relationship question and deflect everything with humour.

Then I’ll leave, because even though I’m in McDonald’s on Valentine’s Day, I suddenly don’t have an appetite anymore, and I just want to go home. I’ll flip through some old photos and memories, imagine what might have been, and allow myself to feel for a brief moment as though she’d just gotten away all over again.

After that, I’ll pour myself a drink, break open a bag of chips, and watch some TV, because no one needs to feel that much misery over someone else’s happiness.

Especially not when it’s someone you love.

Re-Training

Does anyone else find themselves thinking in status updates and truncated-length tweets?

Maybe that’s part of my problem, actually.  Maybe for too long I’ve been existing in incomplete thoughts and careful editing of said thoughts so as to not reveal too much to a general public audience.  Even the status updates I think of don’t actually get posted most of the time.  They remain unexpressed inside my head, along with much of my thoughts, understanding and experience of life.  I’m not sure one can actually experience much if we never really express anything, can we?  Maybe we can, but how much can one exist inside a vacuum?  How much of reality is internal versus external?  If a tree falls in the forest…

Anyway.  Maybe I can train my brain to think in blog post-length thoughts, instead.  It’s a step, at least.  And maybe that’s all any of us needs to do.  Take life one step, one moment, one thought at a time.

I’m resisting the urge to plan things to write about each day.  I feel like, if I decide today what I want to write about tomorrow, I’ll be ignoring whatever will actually be on my mind tomorrow, and that doesn’t seem fair to me.  I’m also concerned about running out of topics, but I’m not sure that’s a realistic worry to have.  I think it’s more about me preparing excuses for why I won’t stick to my once-a-day post goal.

But today is not that day.

Brody wants to go out, but I am determined to finish this before we do, so bear with me.  It’s about to get distracted and much shorter than planned.  Maybe I’ll write more later, or another time.

I’ve been thinking a lot in recent years about my job.  I’ve been with the same company for over 15 years.  It’s defined nearly my entire adult working life.  My roles have changed over the years, I’ve worked in several different departments, and so far have never really been bored.

Lately, however, I’ve been questioning whether or not I can find basic contentment there.  I’ve survived a couple of mass layoff seasons (so far – we’ll see how the next few weeks go), and can’t remember the last time I got a raise or cost of living adjustment.  I’m struggling financially month to month far more now than I maybe ever have, and yet I still go in to work every day.  I still lose unused sick days at the end of each year, and I still have a ton of vacation days banked.

I don’t hate it.  But I’m far from content.

As much as I hate the chaos and disorganization, I find I am now torn between wanting to fix it, and wanting to leave it behind and move on to other things.

The problem is, I have zero idea which things I would be suited to move on TO.

And that is at the heart of my issue, I think.  I don’t know who I am or what I want, and I’ve spent over 15 years defining myself at a place in which I don’t really feel like I fit.

Okay, more later.  I’m taking this puppy for a long walk.