I don’t know, guys. I am not feeling great on any level these days, really.
Do you ever get a little overwhelmed with life, but realize it’s kind of your own fault for wanting to do things you like to do, even if there’s not enough time, money and/or energy to do them?
I’m still trying to recover from Sunday’s massive CSA night. It’s now Friday, and I’m still so exhausted that I trip over nothing – nothing but the fact that I just didn’t life my foot up high enough while walking! What the hell is THAT about?! I mean, technically I know what it’s about, but at the same time, seriously? I can’t consistently lift my feet enough to walk? That goes beyond simply dragging my feet. It’s a level of constant fatigue that I’ve not known long enough or often enough to be used to yet.
Tonight is the usual Friday night Date Night with the girls (and possibly Austin), but it’s also the beginning of Toronto Comicon weekend, for which Mind Reels has been granted media access. This year it’s for the entire weekend, which we’ve never had before, and I’m crazy excited about that! Yet part of me is also, like, when am I ever going to sleep again? Comicon all weekend and then back to work on Monday.
That’s not to say that I don’t sleep at all, merely that I haven’t gotten enough sleep in a very long time. I’m not even sure it’s possible to get enough, really, as this whole disease and MS medication combination has made days much harder to get through than I remember them being. For the most part, it’s totally manageable, but the problem comes more when a)I’m sick or have recently been sick, and b) when I overdo things to the point of making myself more tired than usual. Everything takes longer to recover from now. I am still fighting the sinus cold from two weeks ago (I have just started getting a hint of my sense of smell back as of this morning), for example. And because I’ve had long days every day since Sunday night’s CSA gala, I haven’t had a chance to get enough rest to get back up to my normal level of tired. Throw in a time change and I’m kind of a mess.
I might be running mostly on adrenaline, really, because so much is happening that I am excited about and eager for that I have a hard time slowing down. The less spare time I have to do other things, the more I try to fit them in. I got some wool and felting needles last night after work. But when I got home, after all the regular things were done, I had a billion dishes to do. So that was my night. I got the supplies, but pretty much put them away as soon as I got home, because there wasn’t any time left to experiment with them. Even then, I was still in bed later than I would have liked, so today has been a bit more of a struggle so far. BUT it’s also really busy, so I’m ploughing through as best I can. The urgency of being busy keeps me going.
But it also stresses me out.
It’s weird to be so excited about so many things, but to also be so stressed out by those same many things. It’s like an emotional roller-coaster, but more of an invisible one, or imaginary one, because I’m still doing things. I’m still happy to do things. And they are mostly all things I want to do, not just have to do. I even enjoy most of them.
Every so often, though, I have to check myself and go, “Why are you so upset right now? How can you be happy and upset at the same time, about the same stuff?”
Sometimes brains don’t really make much sense.