Hope Springs

Yesterday’s main event involved taking Brody to get groomed.  He was in dire need of a bath and a haircut and just an overall fresh start.  I’d fallen way behind on his upkeep, much to my shame, so I’m more determined to not let it get anywhere near that out of control again.  Hard to catch up again once you fall behind, and while he’s not the only thing I am behind on, he is an important one.  Sorry Brodykins.  I’ll try to be a better Mamma Sue in the future.

I’m still not a very good pet mom, but I’m trying to get better.  Definitely trying, but with questionable results, apparently.  Time will tell.

The upside to the day was that I got to kill time with Kristi for the afternoon while Brody was in his very long appointment.  We went to Dollarama so I could grab some paint for an idea I have.  We got flowers and green grapes, then went to this grilled cheese place we’d passed earlier called Millwood Melt.  We ate our insanely delicious lunch outside at a picnic table and enjoyed the sunshine and gentle breeze.

Next up was a trip to Home Sense.  We…may have spent too much money, but was ridiculous good fun wandering around the whole store to make sure we’d checked everything out.  Canadian Tire and Pet Smart were wandered, as well, and I finally remembered to get the puppy a new tag with both of our current phone numbers on it.  Also grabbed some new winter boots for him and Soph, a flea comb to hopefully help maintain the goop that gathers under his eyes, and we found a conditioner that will hopefully help with his itchy skin enough to let me give him a bath more often.

He’d always get so itchy, and the shampoo I have makes it feel like all of the natural oils and stuff are gone from his hair after.  I was considering adding some olive oil or something to it next time, to see if that would help, but now I can see how this conditioner works before I try other things.

Anyway, guilt and shame at being a bad mom aside, it was mostly a really nice day.  Brody had a nap and then we went for a bit of a longer walk once it cooled down outside.  We may have also had some popcorn for dinner.  Made on the stove.  So so good.

I decided to water my wildflower seeds, too.  It had been a few days so I figured it couldn’t hurt.  When I went outside to do so, though, I had the happy surprise of spotting several little green sprouts poking out from the soil!  I’d just been telling Kristi of my tentative plans for “if anything grows” earlier in the day, and almost out of nowhere there are little spots of life springing up on my balcony already!

Now, I realize this doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone but me, however this, too, is all new to me.  Aside from when I was a child doing such things with my mom (or watching her do them), I’ve never planted a seed on my own before.  I’ve never grown anything from seemingly nothing before.  In my head, I was kind of expecting to just be watering the dirt for a month before giving up and just continuing to try and keep my one plant alive.  I was randomly checking prices for potted wild flowers that are already growing, in case I was really that determined to have flowers on a balcony that barely gets any direct sunlight now that there’s a larger building next door.  I was expecting my seed-planting to go the way of those little boxed grow-your-own-bonsai trees, or something.  I was preparing myself for more failure and disappointment.

I was wrong this time, though.  There is life in that box of dirt; life that I helped put there.  It’s a week old today, and even though I will soon have to spread the little guys out (hopefully without killing them), at the moment, I haven’t failed.  They are growing.  Something I planted – little seeds I put into soil – they’re growing.

Maybe there is hope for me, after all.

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Rambling Mind

I don’t understand what’s going on. At all. Maybe nothing. I have no idea. There is, of late, a huge disconnect between my inner and outer realities. Add a healthy dose of PMS into the mix and the confusion is overwhelming. So isolating. Perhaps I am just succumbing to my usual paranoia and uncertainty. Though it’s often been right in the past – can it still be deemed paranoia if it ends up being correct?

Meh. Questions without answers, really. Better to just keep plodding along and wait for my next break.

I have my next MRI on Sunday. While I’m technically hoping it will be a quick session, I feel it’s much more likely that it’ll be one of the long 45-minute-IV-with-contrast-material types, instead. It makes more sense, since it’s just my annual check-up type one and they’ll want to get as much detail and cover as much territory in the scans as possible. I just really hate those ones, and am running out of ways to entertain myself while in the tube for that long. However, at least it’ll be over with, and since Monday is a holiday, I’ll be able to just relax and do nothing, if I want, the whole next day. That’ll help. Usually I feel more than a little off once I come out of the machine. I know it doesn’t do anything to me physically, but my mind feels cloudy, anyway. Maybe from focusing on remaining still while not letting claustrophobia set in.

There should be a law against cologne – or artificial scents of any kind – that I can smell even if I am not near you. Seriously people. What kind of nastiness are you trying to cover up by dousing yourself so completely in something else?

Anyway.

I’m frustrated at this whole not working Saturdays thing. I know, sounds weird, but there are several reasons why I’m feeling this way. Aside from the fact that it’s a shorter work day, and earns a longer weekday off, which is sometimes enough. But it would give me the opportunity to do other things I want to do sometimes. Like go to the zoo. I hate going on weekends, through the summer at least, because of the hoards of sweaty hairless apes in my way, ruining my Zen thing. But if I want to go on a weekday, I have to burn a vacation or sick day to do it. I got turned down for volunteering at the Wildlife Centre because the weekend shifts are first to go, and those are the only ones I could do. I probably wouldn’t be a Big Sister again anyway, but that’s another thing I can’t do. Not the in-school mentor program, at least. I can see my therapist if I book an appointment first thing and then head to work after, which doesn’t always have me in the greatest headspace for the rest of the work day. Sometimes it’d be better if I could just go home after and process. But I can’t, unless I am willing to burn a sick day, o vacation day, if I know far enough in advance that I won’t feel up to coming in that day.

Overall, it’s fine. I’ve just been feeling lately like I am having to give up a lot of the things that I’d enjoy or look forward to or benefit from in some way in order to continue receiving a paycheque. That is, of course, the most important thing, because without that I’d have far less opportunity than I do now. I guess I’m just sad that this seems to be all there is, and I am struggling to make even that much balance out. It’s depressing sometimes.

In other news, Mr. Brodykins has an appointment with the groomer on Saturday! He will hate every moment, except the ones where he gets to hang with Momma Kristi and ride in the car. Probably on her lap, if he gets his way. That’s his preferred mode of travel, after all. I hate leaving him there, knowing how miserable it makes him, but he does love being picked up after, and being told how utterly adorable he is. He likes to show off a bit, at that point. Maybe I’ll see about getting him some kind of little special treat for being a good boy. Because he’s always a good boy. He hates the whole grooming process with the seething fire of a thousand suns, but he doesn’t fight it. Instead, he freezes in his silent misery, and tolerates it all until it’s finally over. And then gets unnaturally excited when you put his collar back on.

Bless.

I love that little guy.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just so in my head I don’t really know what’s accurate or real anymore. Or maybe my instincts are good enough that I’m getting the hints being put out there, but am just not certain enough to react. Maybe there’s nothing to react to at all. Regardless, I feel dumb, so hopefully I can figure out at least some of it soon. It’s seeming pretty manic, really. I’m still here, though, so as much as I am trying to sort some things out, I’m also trying to, like, live day to day life. It’s all I can think to do, sometimes.

Long weekend coming up finally, and then next weekend is the first one I booked off for myself. Four days in a row! I don’t know how I’ll manage NOT to give myself so much to do that I won’t get it done and then be disappointed in myself…but I’m going to try not to give myself so much to do that I don’t get it done and feel disappointed in myself.

A co-worker just asked if it was Friday yet – it’s like he’s reading my mind. I was just thinking how far away Friday still is, but that it’s kind of a good thing because I have a lot to do in the meantime.

I was looking up screenwriting contests yesterday to see if there were any deadlines I could aim for but realistically meet. I realized that I’m not anywhere close to ready to start writing the updated adaptation of my first book, though. I need to sort out the changes that will be made and how they’ll all go together with the parts of the story that are being kept. I’ll work on a new outline first, and then consider starting the script.

Why can’t things in our heads just come out on paper automatically?