Ketchup – Another Irrelevant Post

This is just going to be short and directionless, because I am busy today, but I don’t trust myself to write later. I’d rather write quickly now than not at all later.

So let’s see…what is on my mind today?

Got a call from my neurologist’s office earlier. I have to go get the round of bloodwork I had done last weekend RE-done in about 2 weeks. I guess he didn’t like something he saw and wants a second look. It’s funny, because my doctor mentioned it yesterday, that something about the last tests were elevated, but in my sleepy brain I thought she was talking about the ones from a couple of months ago, as I didn’t think she’d have the results of the most recent ones yet. I said my neuro had mentioned it but that he’d said it hadn’t been high enough for concern. Turns out he just hadn’t mentioned it YET! Haha

I’m still not concerned, though. I suspect all the rampant drinking I did at the beginning of March, while primarily just trying to get through the difficult memories that are now forever associated with that time of year, perhaps took a bit of a temporary toll on my liver enzyme levels. I’ve cut back down to almost nothing again, though, so I’m sure by the time the tests are re-done, everything will be back to within normal ranges. It’s happened before, and I guarantee it will happen again. The good thing is having a medical system that allows my team of doctors to monitor everything as often or rarely as they need to, and double-check when they aren’t sure.

I remember even going in for…something…I think one of the heart-rate tests I had to do when I was going on a new medication? Anyway, they took my blood pressure when I got there, but it was so absurdly high that the woman decided to do it again after the main test was done, at which time it was back to normal. Sometimes these things are all about timing.

I imagine the results from all the other tests my doc did yesterday will be back soon, too. I’m not concerned about any of those, though. They’re just the standard things people get checked out occasionally. It’ll be good for her to have a baseline medical history that’s not related specifically to MS testing, though. The last time I had any of that other stuff done was 2008, which was long before I had to find a new family doctor!

She didn’t check my weight, though, which is too bad, because I’ve totally lost some, and if I continue to lose, it would have looked even better next time! Ah well.

What else? I felted and attached a head to my blue snowman last night. I didn’t have much time but that’s still a good step to get completed. Now I can either work on details (like a face) or try making different shapes all together. Will see what kind of mood I’m in later.

I am much more about welfare instead of rights, especially where non-human animals are concerned. It just makes sense.

I’m bummed at the prospect of yet another winter storm, and will just hope we don’t end up with much more snow. I hate having to get Brody and I all bundled up just so we can go outside for a few minutes, and then have to get boots off and puppy feet dry as soon as we get back in the door again. It’s annoying and time consuming.

I also hate when I feel like I have to pee, but can’t seem to make it happen.

And I hate that I had raw veggies and hummus earlier but am still craving potato chips right now. Jason Isaacs mentioned that he loved that Canada has ketchup-flavoured chips. Which – I don’t really get how it’s that novel an idea. How many people have ketchup with their french fries? Potatoes and ketchup are good together, non-Canadian people! It’s at least not a wacky idea!

That being said, though, I hope he snagged a bag of Ketchup Doritos while he was here, because holy hell – SO GOOD!!!

Now I really want chips.

Damn.

Foggy Dumb-Dumb

So, I had an idea of what I felt like talking about here today, but I’ve completely forgotten, so will just babble for a few minutes, instead.

You see, I was at the doctor this morning getting some blood work and the like done, and because it had been over 10 years since my last tetanus booster shot, we decided to just get that out of the way while I was there. Then I went to work.

Now, naturally, I feel like ass.

And since my brain works on par with being a foggy dumb-dumb right now, it’s not really worth the effort it would take for me to try and say something intelligent, anyway.

I had a lovely afternoon/evening with the critters I live with when I got home from Toronto Comicon yesterday. The sun was out, so I took Brody for a walk. The treats lady he loves was also out with one of her dogs, so we all went around the block together. We bumped into several other doggies along the way, of course, and there’s nothing much more awesome than doggies saying hi to one another, AND doggies saying hi to me! There were many love fests to be had, which made all of us happy.

I didn’t get much watched off my PVR, unfortunately, but hopefully the upcoming long weekend (aka Easter) will allow me to get more caught up. I can’t even remember what I did end up watching – Blindspot, How To Get Away With Murder, a re-run of Mom…I can’t remember what else. #foggydumbdumb

Anyway, while I was watching TV, I finally got started on felting! Or, at least, trying to teach myself how to do it. I’d decided to start with just making a ball, and then made a smaller ball, then was in the process of attaching them to one another when I realized I should probably go to bed. So far, though, I really like the act of poking the needle into the roving. It’s the soothing kind of repetitive task that I love because it helps me wind down. Except that, because I do love it, I run the risk of losing track of time, but we’ll see how it goes! For now, I shall just continue to work on my little blue felted snowman (hopefully a little every evening, more or less), and then try practicing on different shapes until I get the hang of things. I have several ideas for things I want to make, but for now I’ll just work on learning, and experiement with other ideas later, if and when my skills develop! At first blush, though, I am digging this whole felting thing, even more than the clay thing. It’s a bit easier on my hands so far, for one thing, because with clay, but the time I’ve kneaded it into a softer, more malleable state, my hands are already sore and tired. I’m not sure if one crafting process is faster than the other yet – because I am slow at both – but I’m pretty excited about how the initial felting test went, and can’t wait to do more!

Speaking of exciting, I got some news this morning that I’ll reveal when I have more details, but suffice it to say that I was so happy that I got a little teary for a moment, then came to work and submitted a vacation request for a couple of days!

So we’ll see.

I’ve had lunch and been drinking a lot of water, but so far I’m still all #foggydumbdumb. Still able to get things done…just a little slower than usual. And with more double-checking. haha

Know What’s Crazy? ‘Cause I Don’t…

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So, I stumbled across this list on Tumblr a couple of weeks ago, and it’s still kind of on my mind. It consists of reasons why someone would be admitted to an insane asylum – in the late 1800’s.

First, insane asylums are creepy as all heck to me. Especially old school ones, but really, no matter what name you give them, they are filled with unpredictability. And that is one thing that bothers me most. I mean, a lot of things get under my skin, but that is a huge one. I still occasionally check under my bed to ensure the psycho killer isn’t waiting for me to feel safe enough to sleep before he stabs me, or whatever. It’s the feeling that everything is fine until it isn’t – the sense that anything could happen at any time and for NO DISCERNABLE REASON. Like, the sane (or sane-ish) can’t predict what the insane will do at any given moment, because even they don’t know until they do it.

Also, asylums are scary and full of ghosts, especially after they’ve been abandonned. Not to mention all the tools. What the hell are doctors and scientists thinking sometimes?

I think part of it is also – like, I’m pretty sure even a sane person, under similar circumstances, would begin to exhibit insane-like behaviour after awhile. In many cases, even now, prison would be better. It’s called an asylum, but it’s not really to keep the sick safe from society. It’s to protect society from the sick. For so many, there’s no coming back from that. And I feel like even for the “sane-est” person alive, trying to prove you’re NOT insane would be like trying to prove you’re not drunk. Evidence can be found to prove the case against you quite easily once someone is looking for it, and from that point on, the frustration at not being able to prove your truth to the world – that you are sane and/or sober – that alone would begin to make matters much, much worse.

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Now, I of course know that things are very different now than they were in the 1800’s. We have made incredible advances in the mental health field along with everything else. Looking at this list is almost laughable, really. Like, WTF does “time of life” even mean? It’s your time to be a lunatic? Fell from horse in war is a reason for admission? What if you fell from a horse at home, and not anywhere near the war?

I’m not even going to get into the sexist, ignorant reasons, because as you can see, they make up the majority of the list. I wonder how many of these were acted upon by a person checking themselves in, versus being checked in against their will. I wonder how many were women or gay or not-white.

Novel reading?! Seriously?!

Funny how priorities change. Back then they seem to have been obsessed with masturbation, the expression of any emotion (grief is on there), and anything possibly related to a fever and/or the imagination.

To my eyes, all of those reasons seem insane in and of themselves.

Possibly because I would have been locked up for several of them, myself.

Sometimes I actually have to wonder how far we’ve really come. Attitudes and stigma surrounding mental health are still – I mean, I feel like they’ve been getting a bit better in recent years, but I almost feel like it’s going too far in the other direction. We’ve gone from having no real understanding of most mental health issues and not really talking about it in any kind of meaningful discourse, to still having no real understanding, yet talking about it all the time. Just on the surface, though. Everyone jumps on the #BellLetsTalk bandwagon one day a year, which is great, but it doesn’t seem like very many people actually talk. We’re all very good at nodding in sympathy and telling people to just talk about whattever’s bothering them, that we’re here to listen.

I just don’t think many of us know how to really talk about it. Because none of us really understand any of it.

On a logic level, we can grasp that being sad and being depressed are not the same thing. But sometimes it looks the same. And sometimes it looks completely different. Sometimes it doesn’t look a thing like what we think depression should look like, and so we might not even notice.

Even when it’s happening to you.

That sense of not being able to understand your own self, of not knowing why you do some of the things you do – it can feel very disconnecting. And so we bury it, because we don’t want anyone else to see us becoming more disconnected and risk having them think we’re a freak.

Or insane.

Because once someone has that thought about you, it’s very difficult – if not impossible – to get them to see you any other way.

We all want to be normal, yet unique and special. And the definition of normal has never been anything but a slippery slope. Whoever invented the concept of normal should be put in an asylum, were they still alive, because that concept is completely crazy. We want to stand out as individuals, but for good things. Inspiring or heroic things. Not for telling squirrels to be careful when they cross the street when you’re on your way to work in the morning.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

So as much as we all want to talk about our thoughts and feelings, and let our freak flags fly, we’re also terrified that it’ll reveal too much, and that there will be no coming back from that. Once we are too real, and too exposed, we’re doomed. It feels like it could actually drive people further away, especially since we have no idea why we think and feel some of the things we think and feel. We can’t explain it because we don’t understand it ourselves.  Human beings have a need to dissect and understand everything – we’ve been testing theories and hypotheses since we crawled out of the primordial ooze.  But I think mental health is perhaps the one true bane of our existence, because it’s not something that can be quantified or studied with any degree of accuracy.  It not only changes from person to person, but also within the same person, from moment to moment and day to day.  It’s unpredictable, and that’s what makes it scary.

Like, maybe we have a great life – not just appear to have – actually have everything that should make us happy. A spouse, children, pets, job satisfaction, comfortable salary, a boatload of friends, an in-home theatre, a cottage in Greece, sunshine, rainbows and a unicorn. From the outside, we have everything. From our own perspective, we want for nothing. Yet for no discernable reason, we feel unhappy. How can one who has so much to make them feel complete still have a sense of disconnect and actually suffer from depression? How do you fight something when you have no idea what it is, why it is, or what might actually help make it go away? How do you live with it? And how on earth would you ever, ever tell anyone about it? What would they think? How would they react? Is it worth the risk of potentially making it even more difficult to get through the day, if the conversation goes south?

Often times, no, it is not.

And so we remain silent, for better or for worse, and wait for the next storm to pass.

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Playtime With Brody

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Holy crap I’m tired today!

Like, my eyes are sore from just being open. Ridiculous.

I can’t seem to concentrate very well, so I’m just going to write a few quick little bits about daily life the last few days.

I came in late this morning because I finally went to see my doctor about my crazy cough. I’m not over my cold yet, but it was still worth going in to see her because this time the cough happened months before I came down with a cold, so they are unrelated.

She gave me another prescription for the ventilin inhalers I was on back in the summer, so that should help. She even added some repeats just in case I need more than one to control the cough longer. The inhalers mess me up a bit – give me the shakes and increase my heart-rate and such, so I don’t want to use it during the day, if I can help it. I started using it before bed, because at least I can sleep better and hopefully skip the uncomfortable side effects. The doc also suggested the cough might actually be a side effect of Gilenya, which I hadn’t considered. She even looked it up online while I was in her office and said it was listed as a possibility, so that’s cool. If the inhaler once an evening works to more or less control it, all should be well. Assuming I can afford it, but that’s a worry I’ll deal with later. It’s not the end of the world, either way, after all!

In other news, I started playing more with Brody over the weekend. Or I started playing with him differently, and more. He’s a pretty self-sufficient little guy, and doesn’t require a lot of attention. He just likes to be close to you, and cuddle, and get his belly rubbed.

Within the first few days of him moving in, he started to play on his own. He’d grab a toy and run around with it in his mouth, throw it up in the air, chase it, and throw it again. Sometimes he still does that – did it with a tennis ball just last night, even. I think I threw it for him once, but beyond that, he was happy to play by himself.

Other times, though, he wants me to play with him, too. He wants me to chase him and try to get his toy from him, but he prefers a slow-motion chase. And a light tug on the toy, rather than really pulling it away from him. Sometimes I’ll pull it away, but then let him get it back pretty easily. He also has this sweet soccer move where he knocks the toy out of my reach with his front leg, and turns quickly to pick it up himself before trotting away with it.

He takes everything to his blanket or his bed, and I consider that his safe zone, so I never take his stuff from him when he’s there. Mostly, though, he’ll bring things near me, then scamper off as soon as I notice. I end up playing with him without really having to get up from the couch.

So over the weekend, I decided the time Brody chooses to play with me is more precious than whatever I’m watching on TV, so I hit Pause, and got down on the floor with him.

He was SO HAPPY!

He basically would run back and forth from the bedroom to the front door, but with me crouched in the living room doorway, he had to get past me (and, occasionally, Jack Bear, who was also excited to have me down at their level, and had to get all up in ma grill) both ways. I’d wait until he got close, then he would speed up, I’d try to grab the toy, and even if I got it, he’d get it back from me and continue on his course. He always slowed down once he got where he was going, then run faster when it was time to blow by Mama Sue.

Cutest. Game. Ever.

We both had fun, and he instigated the game a couple of more times over the weekend, so I know he liked it. I love finding new ways to connect with him, even though it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

It’s some of the best few minutes of my day. 🙂

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