Distractions

No idea what I thought I was going to write about today. I was distracted by a pizza party for a coworker’s last day, and now I am painfully full and not really inclined to think about writing.

Plus, I have work to do.

So here’s another quote from a book that I enjoyed, instead.

Rima had tried jogging after Oliver died. She thought it would be smart to get physically exhausted. She thought if she were body-tired instead of, or along with, feeling the heavy exhaustion of grief, she might think less. But the effort involved in lifting her feet over and over was too much for her. Later she tried again, but found she’d been mistaken in her primary assumption. All you did when you ran was think. She hated it.”

Now, I definitely have not tried running as a way of dealing with the exhaustion of grief. I can barely walk some days, I feel like, so while I was once a distance runner as a kid, I don’t think now would be a very good time to pick it up again. I’m more likely to wreck myself before I can tire myself out, really.

I have found that physical pain often helps detract from emotional pain, but it’s insanely temporary. Like, getting my first tattoo hurt far less than losing Alysia. Most of it even hurt less than saying goodbye to Hudson. But the physical pain subsided, whereas the emotional pain still remains.

I have been known to attempt to tire myself out in order to not think and feel so much, though. It doesn’t really work for me, even when I push my body further than it wants to go. It’s a distraction, for sure. But the effects don’t last.

I like that this book recognized the different kinds of tired a person can be. I haven’t often seen that distinction, in books, film, television or everyday conversation. I like how true it rang for me.

Please Support My Stuff, And Other Goings On

If you are on Facebook, please go vote for my photo in this contest: http://snaptoit2016.pgtb.me/m3SM8X/lnt7l

Scroll to the end of the first page of pictures, then jump to page 8 of submissions. Mine is the CN Tower reflection. I really want the GoPro, so please vote and help me win it! I could put it on Brody sometimes to get his view of the world, even! I think I am tentatively in first place at the moment, but I have to keep that going until Sunday night at midnight! So please help!!!

#GoPrody! 😉

Also, if you can spare $2 per month (or even $1), please consider supporting the Patreon page I created to help fund some of The Mind Reels’ expenses: http://www.patreon.com/TheMindReels

We’re just over halfway to our first goal, and if everyone chips in even a little bit, we’ll be able to accomplish so much more moving forward! As well, the higher tiers become progressively more involved in our programming, which should be fun! But mostly I just need help getting the word out, especially because I’m so busy trying to organize more content for our show that I have been remiss in getting my promoting hat on more regularly! Haha

Now that’s out of the way…I think something bad happened at the place where I volunteer. Like, internally, I mean. A huge shift in management and many of the staff are gone – almost everyone I’d met so far, in fact. Some of the animals are also gone, I think. Lots of changes. I don’t know what happened or why, but it was a very different vibe when I was in the other day, and I am not sure how things are going to go. We’ll see. I’d already missed the previous two weeks due to gum surgery, and was considering just not going anymore, but I’m glad I eventually did. I at least wanted to see how things were there now. I knew the other volunteer who was in when I got there, but everyone else I met for the first time. I also got to give Edward the Micro Pig some love, and gave a few quick pats to Willow the Capybara after her bath. I miss the animals when I am not there, but…yeah. I don’t know how things are going to go. It’s always such a struggle and battle with myself to go in every week as it is. We’ll see.

I took Brody to get groomed for the first time by myself over the weekend. I think we did pretty well, but I hated leaving him there, and was counting the minutes until I could go pick him up again. I also learned that I should actually plan distractions for myself while I wait next time, because I think I ended up getting a new credit card. Which…I was going to apply for this particular one next year, after the bankruptcy is completely off my credit history, so I guess it’s okay. I kept saying no but the guy kept offering different cards, and once he hit on the one I wanted anyway – and gave me the lowest possible limit I asked for – I decided to go ahead and accept it. Assuming nothing changes in the meantime, I should have my first actual credit card since declaring bankruptcy within the next week or so. My plan is to activate it and use it, then cancel my current secured card, get the deposit back, and put that towards getting a crown for the tooth I’ve been trying to save.

Will have to see how that goes, too. So many things up in the air. So many half-started projects. So much uncertainty.

Ain’t life an adventure and a half, sometimes?

Missing The Movie Theatre Experience

It’s super busy at work today so I’m taking a shorter lunch and leaping back into the fray when I am done eating, so instead of writing about what I’d been planning to this afternoon, I’ll write about something less involved, instead.

I miss going to movies. I can’t remember when the last time I was at a theatre was, but it feels like a long time ago, for me, anyway.

I remember a former roomate and I challenged ourselves to see one movie a week in the theatre for a year, not including film festival time, and the like. I can’t remember how we actually did, but it was definitely fun! These days, I have two theatres down the street from my apartment, so every time I get a hankering, I usually just head to one of those and see whatever I’m in the mood for.

I’m not sure if I have seen anything yet this year…which would be ridiculous, but…I of course saw Star Wars a few times. And Mockingjay. But yeah…I can’t think of anything since, and those were both out in December. Maybe I saw either or both after New Years, but still. Sad!

Growing up, movies were a treat, especially the ones in movie theatres or – even more so – the drive-in. The closest theatre was a half hour drive away. The Gayety in Collingwood. They eventually opened the comparatively huge Cinema 4, and there were a few theatres available in Barrie, as well, but it was a further drive. When we leaped into the 80’s and got a VCR, going to the theatre became less of an option, reserved for when there was more time and/or money to go around, since we could rent a video (or several) for a fraction of the price.

My decision to move to Toronto was, in a small way, determined by movie theatres, and having access to movies the first day they were released. No longer would I have to wait a week or more for something to be released in a theatre near me. Here, it felt like all the theatres were near me! I even started off in a neighbourhood with a theatre, a Future Shop, a Silver Snail and a Toys R Us. And my doctor, at the time. Basically everything I need to live. Even my first job was in the area.

Things changed – I moved around the city, held different jobs, and while I now live back in that same area, much has changed. I now have two huge theatres to choose from, Future Shop is now a Best Buy, my doctor no longer practices – but I have a dentist in the same building now. Toys R US is still there, but the Silver Snail moved out long ago. Still, though, a lot of Sue necessities. Plus, the area has felt like home pretty much from the get-go, even when I didn’t live near it.

Since I moved back, I’ve been known to go to the movies just so I can have popcorn for breakfast. There’s just something about movie theatre popcorn that can’t be replicated (though John in Colorado does a damn fine job when he makes it at home, I gotta say!), and the same goes for fountain soda. So ridiculous, but sometimes I just have a hankering for that delicious syrup and water in an overly-large, ice-filled cup.

I’m a weirdo.

But going to a movie theatre is kind of my jam. I prefer it to watching something at home sometimes. There are things I prefer to watch at home, of course (ie anything that makes me cry; not porn if that’s what you’re thinking), but often I get an urge to sit in the dark with strangers (either a bunch or a few, I don’t care, because I forget about them, anyway), eat popcorn in a way which suggests I’d starve to death otherwise, drink my fountain pop, and just let someone else’s mind take me away for awhile. There are very few distractions, and I can just be somewhere else for a couple of hours.

And previews! I love previews! I’m actually glad for the initial commercials because I am of course often late for movie screening times, too! So the commercials give me a buffer, without worrying about missing my beloved previews.

They often help my plan my next trip to the theatre, after all!

Okay…that’s about all the time I have. But I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention how much I now miss my current movie dates with Kristi – layered butter on the popcorn, whatever tasty treat we get with our combo, and taking turns between tickets and treats for two! I don’t even care what we see, lady – we have to go soon! 😉 ❤

Picture Book

I haven’t slept much the past few nights.

My mind and emotions about work are all over the map, and I end up laying awake churning through it all.  Panic, confusion, despair, anger, fear, sadness, hurt, resignation…it all spins around inside my head and heart and I can’t settle it enough to get much rest.

It’s very draining.

And it’s the weekend, so it’s not like I can do anything practical about any of it, anyway.  None of what’s spinning inside me is real yet – it’s all just hypothetical scenarios running through my exhausted brain and making it all feel more desperate than ever.  Tomorrow is Monday, so it’ll all become real then.  But for now, it’s completely out of control.

Well, almost completely.

I’ve been trying to keep busy while I’m awake. It’s easier to distract myself  with actual activities.  I still spend more time than I’d like to in tears, but when I actually manage to focus on something else, it’s easier to maintain that focus for longer than I can when I am trying to sleep.

Yesterday I wrote the first draft of a potential picture book for kiddos.  I had a ridiculous amount of fun doing it, and spent some time afterward still trying to think in rhythm and rhyme.  At one point I reminded myself of that scene in The Princess Bride.  You know the one.

“No more rhymes, now, I mean it!”

“Anybody want a peanut?”

Classic.

Anyway, the point is, writing took my mind off my current situation, and the fact that it was fun made it even better.  I was remembering a poetry unit I helped teach a grade 8 class when I was practice teaching back in school.  I got to do haiku with them, and some of the kids decided we should try to have whole conversations in haiku, and it was hilarious! They got really good at it, too.  So last night, by the time I was getting dinner for the fur babies, I was thinking in rhyme and reading the draft of the book to them (mostly Brody, but Piper got draft #2 read to her a few times already today), and I was smiling instead of crying.  The feeling didn’t last, of course, but it definitely helped.

Now I’ve been awake since 4am, but I’ve walked Brody a couple of times, had something to eat, and completed the book’s second draft.  I liked it last night, and love how it’s coming together today.  I got the rhyme pattern worked out, and established the number of syllables per line.  I feel like there are still a couple of more awkward-sounding spots – lines that don’t flow as smoothly as I’d like – but overall I am quite pleased with how well it’s coming together.

My initial plan for the book’s structure was a bit different, and even as I was assembling it last night I wasn’t sure which way I’d go with it, but a lot of it pretty much wrote itself, so I’ve decided not to mess with that.  Plus, it’s fun to read out loud.  I just have to tweak it a bit more to get it to flow better.  But I already have some picture ideas in my head and I feel like, all things considered, it’s coming along very well, and has provided an unexpected and wonderful distraction for my otherwise anxious mind!