Myriad on my Mind

Well, the whole not being able to sleep much thing is getting pretty old. Will try again tonight to see if I can do any better.

Con Crud hasn’t fully set in, but it’s not any better yet, either. On the fence, I guess. Fencing Crud.

Squirrel saga is still ongoing, but in part because I haven’t heard any news yet this morning. Hopefully no news is good news – or at least not bad news – but we’ll see.

So much drama and stress and sadness, man. I can’t even tell anymore how much of it is directly mine to carry, and regardless, there’s so much I can’t talk about, anyway.  My heart and mind are tired. 

I got a lot done yesterday, at least. Saw a periodontics (is that the word?) dentist guy for a consultation, and have mostly decided to go ahead with the procedure he’s suggested, but I really need to make sure it’s covered by my work benefits first. It’s going to be dicey, anyway, because I have to pay the whole thing upfront and get reimbursed later, and since it’ll cost more than, say, my rent, I need to time it just right so that I can get reimbursed in time to pay said rent. Maybe even eat in the meantime.

At least the animals are mostly stocked food-wise for a bit.

Managed to change my address with the Ministry of Health, so I expect to be receiving threatening letters any time now about switching to a photo health card from my sweet old red and white one. I’m proud to still have it, but last time I went for blood tests, there was apparently a note warning me to contact the Ministry and update my current address…which I then forgot to do until yesterday. So that’s good, I guess. I have to get more blood tests done on Saturday, so at least I can tell them that the process has begun.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of what was probably my girl’s biggest loss to date, and I have no idea how to, like, acknowledge that for her, or with her, or anything. Not being in the same country doesn’t really help with that, either, of course. But I’m not sure how much of a comfort I would be, anyway. I guess some journeys have to be taken separately and/or on our own. I do hope, though, that she has a similar experience to mine, in that the first year is the hardest, and once you get through all of the firsts, a greater sense of your new normal can be found. It doesn’t suck any less, but I found that, for me, the dread became less. The fear of facing each unavoidable first gave way to a kind of grim acceptance of all the remaining anniversaries to come, and the knowledge that I will get through those, too, whether I like it or not.

I hope it’s similar for her journey through grief, too.

I renewed my zoo membership for another year. I think this is the earliest I’ve ever done it – more than a month early. Now I just have to remember to pick up my new card when I go there next – hopefully on Saturday. It’s supposed to rain, but I kind of don’t care. I plan to be shooting for Canada In A Day, and what better way to show off one of the things I love about a day in my life than to spend at least part of it immersed in one of my favourite places?

Of course, my weekend is already filled with things that need to be done, so there won’t be any rest, and if I am still fighting this cold, I may yet lose the battle as a result. If all of my money for the next year or so is going to dental bills, though, I intend to make the most of the days in between!

Psychotherapy

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning.

I’m hella nervous because it’s been a very long time since we last saw one another. I can’t even remember when I was there last. I think it was sometime in 2015, though I didn’t go often then, either. I was a once-a-week client for a few years, but as my regular expenses climbed whilst my income did not, it got a lot harder to continue paying the fee so regularly. I wasn’t needing to be there as often, either, because things settled down, and the meds have been doing their job. Granted, I cut back to the lowest dose because it’s more affordable, and last time I switched back to the generic brand, because I can more easily afford that on top of the attrocity that is MS medication prices. So I guess that might have stirred things up, balance-wise, too, making me want to get back in there.

Mostly, though, it’s just time.

Things have been building up for quite some time, and the fact that I don’t get weekdays off anymore kind of sucks. Some things, like this, are really only available on weekdays, and some other things, like the zoo, are just better. I found out that she’ll be away for the days I booked off this month, and I didn’t want to wait for June, so on impulse, I emailed her last night, and decided to just take the first session time in the morning, and go to work late. It will not be great going to work after such a thing, but it’s better than not going to the session at all.

I’ve moved the last of my available cash over to my main account so that I can take it out on the way home and have it ready to hand over in the morning. Then I just have to make it to Friday payday, which should be feasible, barring any unforeseen issues.

While I am mostly nervous about it (I have started a list in my phone to remind me of what I want to discuss so I won’t forget anything important), I am also part excited, and part relieved. We’ve been through a lot together, she and I, and it’ll be great to see her again, AND meet her new puppy! Her doggie and I also got quite close (I stopped using her downtown office space and started seeing her at her home office, which included love from Kylie, her unofficial therapy dog), but she had to be euthanized last year at some point, I think. This will be the first time I’m there with no Kylie to lie on my feet and make a fuss over my arrival, but I’m told there is a new little guy for me to meet, so I am looking forward to that.

I’ve been seeing this woman for just over 7 years, since early 2009, and even though we haven’t seen one another in a long time, I am confident in our ability to get caught up and back on track. We work well together. There were a few times when I even acted as a guinea pig for different techniques she was learning in her courses, which was interesting. I got those sessions for free, and most of them were actually pretty cool. One was not, but most of them were. I like learning unexpected things in equally unexpected ways.

For a time, near the start, our relationship was not entirely…not that it wasn’t professional, per se, but it wasn’t the usual kind of therapist-client working relationship. We were, at least in part, more like friends sometimes. We talked about it a couple of times, and eventually things shifted a little to be what it’s like now. I think I just needed something different at one point, and she provided that. After that, however, I think it makes our sessions that much better. We have a different kind of comfort level because of that unique beginning, and so far as I can tell, it only makes the work we do more valuable and beneficial for me. It makes it possible for me to go several months – maybe even a year – without going in, and still feel confident that we’ll still be able to accomplish things over the course of our hour. It won’t just be all catch up and surface talk. She knows me, and knows how to help me dig deeper.

She even knows when I’m trying to avoid doing so. It’s rather uncanny. And annoying. Haha

It’s going to be interesting, in a good way. I’ll still be glad to have done it, as well as glad to have gotten it over with. And then I’ll start trying to figure out when I can afford to go in again. Hopefully sometime next month. My benefits cover registered massages up to a certain point, but not registered psychotherapy. Go figure.

Priorities are a slippery slope, I guess!