Fear Itself

I’ve been making a few sad realizations of late, most recently last night.  It’s actually thrown me off my game today, and I’m having trouble figuring out what to do.

So I’m currently doing next to nothing.

I just can’t focus.

I mean, I’m also hella tired and it is crazy hot outside.  Brody and I went to Pet Valu earlier and I’m not sure which of us was more over the heat by the time we got back.  He got to see some of his favourite people, though.  They make such a big deal over him there.  I love it, and naturally, he does, too.  Also, there’s no shortage of treats, and today we met a dog as big as a pony.  Bless.  Munchkin.

I have so much to do, and I thought I had a plan, but I can’t remember now, and I’m too distracted by sadness to sort it out.

Actually, no, it’s not even that.  I think rather than sadness, it’s more a tentative resignation.  I’m not sure…like, I feel like a few days ago, I had a certain confidence in my choices and the path I was following.  I don’t feel that same confidence now.  I’m not certain that it’s wrong, but I’m no longer sure that it’s right, either.  I feel like I keep making decisions now, and then second guessing myself.  THAT makes me sad – on top of some of the things I’m realizing – but the uncertainty isn’t caused by sadness.

I think it’s more likely caused by fear.

What if I’m going the wrong way, after all?

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3 thoughts on “Fear Itself”

  1. I feel the same way a lot. I hate my job but I don’t know what else to do. I’m good at it, probably better than most. But it’s not my passion. The trouble is I don’t know what my passion is. I’ve never really tried anything else. Mostly because of money. I tried to apprentice to become a casting agent or director once but I could not afford to live on the salary so I gave it up to regroup and never did. Then I thought about becoming a travel agent because I love to travel. But again, who can afford to live on 50% of what they live on. I would have to move, find a roommate or something. I just couldn’t. I’d have to be much more mindful of where every penny went and would not be able to save as much for retirement. So here I live in the same apartment for 20 years and the same job for 10 years. I know I’m extremely fortunate though. I have a roof over my head, I have food on my table, I have two cats who I adore and who tolerate me well, I have 4 parents who love me, I can afford to go on vacation. But most days I wonder what the purpose is. I feel like I’m taking up space and existing instead of really living.

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  2. The only thing even close to “advice” that I can offer is this: about two years ago I realized that “the wrong way” is just a theoretical concept which, at the end of the day, is still a “way”. And it turns out that moving in *some* direction has it all over standing still. Who knew?

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