I think on some level I’ve always searched for somewhere I could feel like I belong. To feel wanted, appreciated, and welcomed. To feel a part of, rather than apart from.
I told myself I was gay because I thought I’d finally found a community which would embrace who I was; until I learned I wasn’t like the rest of them at all. I eventually left that community of what I believe was my own free will.
I went to a science fiction convention and not only found a community of geeks to which I felt a part, but also set my life on a path which would change everything for me. For a time. Eventually I would learn that I didn’t belong there, either.
That perhaps I don’t fit in anywhere, and that perhaps that is a good thing. I mean, I wouldn’t want to spend too much time with another me, if one existed. I would bore me, annoy me, and we’d languish in our own me-ness, rather than push ourselves to learn and grow.
And we’d hate each other even more than we hate ourselves.
That doesn’t mean I intend to run out and embrace everyone and everything, though. But mayb it means I can finally stop looking for something which doesn’t exist, and start attempting to see what does.