Had a lovely, much-needed brunch with one of the people closest to me. I managed to get some things off my mind; maybe not in as much detail as I needed to in some cases, but better than nothing, which is how I usually roll. Plus, friends are not therapists. I have to learn to save my selfishness for the one who’s being paid to listen to my shit.
I do feel less nervous about my first volunteer shift to tomorrow, so that’s good. I just really need to figure out a better balance between showing up and completely monopolizing a conversation just so I can unload my own crap. I’m not good at friendshipping.
I’m not good at relationshipping of any kind, really. And I’m not looking for anything new, but I still feel like I lost something, and I think part of me is still trying to find that. I don’t know how to go back to who I was before, but I also don’t know who I am now in terms of relating to other people, nor who I want to be. If I can even grow more, at this point. I think in general, most of us just stop.
I’ve never really been a fan of change, after all.
My last romantic relationship was my most epic life fail (even though on an emotional level it’s still kind of a thing for me – does that make me more pathetic or less, I wonder) but the one before that was the one that damaged my belief in myself, and thus took a larger, longer-lasting toll. That was the one that confirmed some things for me; whether they are true or not doesn’t matter. Chicken or egg, some things just are. Reality is subjective most of the time, anyway. Maybe all the time.
Most relationships of any sort happen when I am not looking for them, of course, though now I feel like I’m…more lost. Unsure of myself, who I am, what I want. What will I be when I grow up? Too late. I grew up a long time ago, and turns out I’d be nothing of note.
But great at it, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I just wonder what else I am too late for; what else I missed out on while I was trying (and failing) to figure out how to human.
Tomorrow is a big day.