Miss

Looks like I forgot to post again yesterday, but it bothers me less this time.  I’d already broken my streak, so the realization that I’d broken it again just seems like par for the course, really.  I suspect I’ll constantly move back and forth between ascribing other meanings to why I am doing this at all, and viewing it as another inevitable failure at becoming a better person and/or life in general.

This morning I am mostly just tired and sad, so I am sitting somewhere in between those two extremes.

Recognizing that they are extremes is good, though.

I actually considered writing yesterday, but wanted to wait until I was done the things I’d started, and then got tired and sad all of a sudden and went to bed, instead.  It wasn’t a conscious decision NOT to write, though, so I still did forget.  The intention was there, however brief and ineffective.

I got quite a bit accomplished yesterday, despite the heat.  This is the last day of my sef-imposed long weekend and overall I am rather pleased with how much I’ve done of what I’d planned.  Without over-extending myself, too.  Might be a first for me.

I do have a weird pain in my lower back/left side, but I can’t seem to pin-point exactly where it is, or what’s causing it.  My poor left side these past couple of years.  Almost constant pain in some form or another, but it keeps changing.  Bodies are weird.

Some things in my apartment were rearranged by yours truly yesterday.  The cats freaking love it, of course.  I could move one object a few feet in any direction and they’d act like everything had been made new again. The cool thing is that *I* am a loser feeling kind of giddy over it.  There is a lot to do still, but that such a small change could bring us all a wave of giddy delight is kind of cool.  I’ll have to keep that in mind.  Maybe big changes aren’t the only thing that can help elevate a mood.  Maybe little changes in one’s world can also help keep the darkness at bay.

I miss my person.  I don’t really understand what’s going on, if anything, but we haven’t been speaking much lately and it’s hurting my heart.  Maybe there’s a hint I’m supposed to be taking, but if so, I really wouldn’t understand why.  Which is perhaps the problem.  Or maybe nothing is wrong and I am just panicked and sad trying to figure out the root of something that doesn’t exist; some non-existent problem that I am nevertheless certain I caused.

Which, of course, is also a problem.

Either way, my heart is heavy and I’ve not slept much, so back to bed and crazy dreams I go.  For now.

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