Going to try and keep this short, because I am fighting sleep and my week-long headache is screaming in my cranium right now. I need to rest.
I was really looking forward to today; to attending my first Jays game of the season, but more to spending time with my friend. I feel like we’ve drifted apart over the past year or so. We hang out regularly, but always in a group, and I always end up not talking about anything going on in my life, and feeling on the far outside of hers, too. Which I totally get, but it still makes me sad sometimes. So when she invited me to the game with her this weekend…I can’t even express how much I was looking forward to it. I was excited to hopefully get caught up, to watch the game, and to just hang out in a way that’s more natural for me. To be more myself, and not feel the need to put on such a public facade all the time.
Naturally, I messed it up for myself.
See, I’ve been struggling the past couple of weeks, and using too many spoons each day. Totally run down, to the point where I sometimes just sit and cry. It’s ridiculous. I didn’t want to feel like that today, so my plan for last night was to relax and rest and conjure up some energy for the weekend in general. Instead, I went out, played a game I didn’t particularly like (but everyone else seemed to have fun, so that was good), had too many drinks, and was so upset by it all and so tired that I barely slept at all.
This morning was a struggle.
But then we went to the game, and there were therapy dogs on the ramp so I pet a whack of them, and the Jays lost (we still love you, though, KP/Superman), and we still had fun. Then we went for drinks after (because we were not yet day drunk), and talked and giggled over Snapchat silliness and watched the RAPTORS win over the Heat and then headed home to hang with animals a bit.
Now my headache is screaming, and I am insanely tired, but overall, I feel lighter. I couldn’t get all of it out, of course, but I touched on some things and other things seemed less important somehow and I tried not to suck as a friend by making it all one-sided, and…yeah. I’m not crying for now. I feel like I got what I needed, finally, and had an actually good day. Not one where I pretended it was good. That hasn’t happened for a while.
Now Brody has nested in his bed and Flynn has settled in a spot where I will have to contort around her a bit, and my headache is screaming and my body and brain are exhausted, but my heart hurts way less. And that in itself is a pretty big deal.
With any luck, sleep is imminent (actual sleep, not just drifting). Then we’ll see what tomorrow brings.