I’m not entirely sure how to talk about this, in part because I know it’s yet more whining, and in part because I’m also not entirely sure what I am trying to say. However, I’ll do it, anyway, because I’m me. Haha
I’ve become increasingly frustrated with my dependance upon other people to get things done. At work – I mean, that’s just the way things are, and I don’t really want more responsibility, or anything. I just get frustrated with waiting on others to help me complete a task. Only sometimes, though.
My larger frustration in is other aspects of my life. I feel sometimes like I spend more time waiting on other people than I spend actually doing anything. Logically, I know that’s not the case, and even if it were, it’s not like I’m not capable of doing things on my own. I just catch myself up in wanting to do things as a team, or share the workload, or even just get another opinion before moving forward with something. I think that’s more where my frustration lies – not in the other people, nor even in the waiting for them (well, maybe sometimes it’s those things, too) – but in the fact that I bother to wait at all. Why not just forge on ahead and do my own thing? If someone catches up and wants to join, all the better. But otherwise, why am I waiting? Why do I hope that someone will meet me partway and work with me to achieve even more? It’s not like anyone is taking my possible contribution into account when going about their days, doing their own things. So why is it so important to me to try and include them?
I don’t really have any confidence in my own abilities, that’s true. And, to my mind, it’s with good reason. So that might be part of the reason why. Yet, I’m the one getting frustrated with my own self, so really…do something, or don’t do something. But don’t not do something and then whine about not doing it.
That’s some sound advice, there, Self!
I guess sometimes I want to share my creative brilliance with people who have actual creative talent. Yet I also don’t like people, so why I would want to share anything with them is kind of beyond me. Unless I just want to use them for their talents, to push us both toward possible success. That probably sounds mean, using someone, but when it’s for both our gains, I think we could both stand to not whine about that! Haha
There’s also the recognition and acceptance that I can’t do everything I want to do entirely on my own. But there’s plenty that I can do, so again…stop whining, and do something, or don’t do something.
The whole thing makes me angry, and nervous, and excited, and empowered, and sad. So, in essence, I stall. Freeze up. Stand in impotent defiance of what I’m not sure I’m ready to change, or even know how to go about it.
And so, in the meantime, I continue to wait.