Not Here, Not Now

I don’t really feel like talking today.  The things on my mind, this is neither the time nor the place.  So I’ll just reflect on my day and call it a night.

A post is a post is a post.

Actually, I will first mention that yesterday would have been Alysia’s 24th birthday.  Some of us went down to the beach after work and released several paper lanterns into the night sky in her honour, much as we’d done the night of March 8, 2014.  The day after the fire.  It was different this time, but also kind of the same in some ways.

Today I tried to force myself to get a little extra sleep.  I’m still pretty sick, but I also had to get some blood tests done this morning, and pick up a prescription.  And take Brody out for a long walk, because it was crazy nice outside!  There is a ton of content saved on my PVR because I haven’t been home much in the past few weeks, except to sleep.  Which I also haven’t been doing much of.

Of which I’ve not be doing much.

I started experimenting with a new craft I want to make, and it’s not going as badly as I expected.  We’ll see how it turns out, if I ever get it finished!

I am not always very good at finishing what I start.

I cancelled one Guinness World Record application earlier this week, but applied for a couple of more.  I decided I want to learn how to do a new kind of craft.  And by “learn” I mean teach myself.  I do a lot of things myself, it seems.

I have to say, having almost nothing to do today was pretty awesome.  Tomorrow is the big broadcast gala for the Canadian Screen Awards, so I’ll be at that for most of the day.  Yesterday I worked and was out last night.  Tonight we lose an hour as we “spring forward” and next weekend is Toronto Comicon, after a full work week.  So there are no real days off in my near future.

Today, though, despite my sick body and tired mind, was actually good.  I got to hang with the critters who live in the apartment with me, and watch TV and wear pj pants but for the times when I was outside.  It was good to take a bit of a break.

I will say this – it’s hard to take care of yourself when you don’t like yourself.  Even when you do things that appear to be – and often even are – physically healthy things to do, the intent behind them is sometimes more along the line of self-punishment.  They end up taking a mental a day/or emotional toll, even though it’s not a bad thing for your body.  And no one can see it, the negative side of it.  They notice the positive visual results, but not the darkness behind it eating away at you from the inside.

It can be kind of isolating, to say the least.  Isolating and really confusing.


One thought on “Not Here, Not Now”

  1. It shocks me and hurts me to read that you don’t like yourself. Because I like you and find you fun and interesting. But I understand it because I don’t like myself very much. Although I have so much to be greatful for, life and responsibilities keep hindering me. There never seems to be enough time or money to pursue what might make like enjoyable or improve me so that I and others might like me better. I just plod along, work, sleep, eat, movie, parents, a trip, rinse repeat. I hope your craft thing goes well. I haven’t learned a new thing in a long time.


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