It is crazy cold outside. And I don’t feel good. So I’m hanging with the critters, rocking pj’s, and watching TV shows off my PVR. Code Black, to be specific.
And thinking. Always thinking.
There seems to be a bit of a theme in this episode; one that fits with some of the things on my mind. A man who doesn’t want to go through a major surgery attempting to rid his body of cancer because of how his life will be altered after. A young girl who believes that having her body frozen when she dies will mean she can live again decades later once a viable treatment for her lung condition can be found. A woman who chose to be a single mother who ends up in the hospital with an embolism that resulted from complications in her recovery from her C-section.
Each of them are viewed by those closest to them as selfish.
The idea of being a selfish person is a complicated and upsetting one to me. I find it difficult to see the line between selfish and self care. Sometimes, in an effort to not be selfish, I know I go too far in the other direction, as though hurting myself in some way would ensure that I’m at least not falling on the wrong end of the selfishness scale.
Sometimes I also know I do things that are good for me, or healthy, but for all the wrong reasons. I do things because it feels like punishment – it hurts, or it makes me sad, or adds another barrier between myself and the rest of the people in my world. On the surface, it’s a good thing. It looks like a good thing. On the inside, it causes more harm an emotional and/or mental level that no one knows about except me.
Usually because I’m not sure what I deserve. That word is pretty loaded in my mind, and falls into the same conundrum of figuring out the difference between selfish and self-care. I mean, I can have conversations about it until we’re all blue in the face, but at the end of the day, my understanding is limited, especially when any of it pertains to me. And since I spend so much time in my own head, it becomes extra difficult to sort out at any given time.
There was a character in the Code Black episode I watched that said something like “we heal much faster from things we do to ourselves, than we do from things we do to others”.
I’m surrounded by distraction and can’t think about making words for what I’m trying to say.
Maybe some other time.