Re-Training

Does anyone else find themselves thinking in status updates and truncated-length tweets?

Maybe that’s part of my problem, actually.  Maybe for too long I’ve been existing in incomplete thoughts and careful editing of said thoughts so as to not reveal too much to a general public audience.  Even the status updates I think of don’t actually get posted most of the time.  They remain unexpressed inside my head, along with much of my thoughts, understanding and experience of life.  I’m not sure one can actually experience much if we never really express anything, can we?  Maybe we can, but how much can one exist inside a vacuum?  How much of reality is internal versus external?  If a tree falls in the forest…

Anyway.  Maybe I can train my brain to think in blog post-length thoughts, instead.  It’s a step, at least.  And maybe that’s all any of us needs to do.  Take life one step, one moment, one thought at a time.

I’m resisting the urge to plan things to write about each day.  I feel like, if I decide today what I want to write about tomorrow, I’ll be ignoring whatever will actually be on my mind tomorrow, and that doesn’t seem fair to me.  I’m also concerned about running out of topics, but I’m not sure that’s a realistic worry to have.  I think it’s more about me preparing excuses for why I won’t stick to my once-a-day post goal.

But today is not that day.

Brody wants to go out, but I am determined to finish this before we do, so bear with me.  It’s about to get distracted and much shorter than planned.  Maybe I’ll write more later, or another time.

I’ve been thinking a lot in recent years about my job.  I’ve been with the same company for over 15 years.  It’s defined nearly my entire adult working life.  My roles have changed over the years, I’ve worked in several different departments, and so far have never really been bored.

Lately, however, I’ve been questioning whether or not I can find basic contentment there.  I’ve survived a couple of mass layoff seasons (so far – we’ll see how the next few weeks go), and can’t remember the last time I got a raise or cost of living adjustment.  I’m struggling financially month to month far more now than I maybe ever have, and yet I still go in to work every day.  I still lose unused sick days at the end of each year, and I still have a ton of vacation days banked.

I don’t hate it.  But I’m far from content.

As much as I hate the chaos and disorganization, I find I am now torn between wanting to fix it, and wanting to leave it behind and move on to other things.

The problem is, I have zero idea which things I would be suited to move on TO.

And that is at the heart of my issue, I think.  I don’t know who I am or what I want, and I’ve spent over 15 years defining myself at a place in which I don’t really feel like I fit.

Okay, more later.  I’m taking this puppy for a long walk.

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3 thoughts on “Re-Training”

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