I had a whole different idea for today’s post, but it was feeling too forced, so I decided to put it off for another time, and just babble about whatever’s currently on my mind, instead.
Words are hard to find. For me, anyway. Especially when trying to talk. I’ve always preferred to plan out what I’m going to say before I say it, but in recent years it’s gotten so that I end up not saying much of anything at all. There is a whole world going on inside my head – a whole life – but the external reality is that my life and the world around me is just slipping quietly by without me. Without me really being a part of it.
That was one of the reasons I wanted to give this blogging thing a try, actually. Recent years have seen me sharing very little in writing, and even less via spoken word. I have struggled to form connections with people around me, and instead have taken to connecting more with animals, since they require less of me, yet give me so much more.
Selfish, I guess, but while I have no intention of spending less time in the company of animals, I’m realizing that the lack of connection with other human beings is hurting me, and have decided to try and break the habits I have formed along the way that led me to this place inside my head.
It won’t happen overnight, of course, and sitting on my couch in pj’s writing a blog post on my iPad is a far cry from sitting across from a living, breathing person and trying to find the words that will unlock the door and release me from existing inside my own head, but it’s a start. It doesn’t even matter if any of this gets read, really. I mean, who am I? I can’t guarantee that I will ever have anything useful or worthwhile to offer you. But I can guarantee that I will always be as honest as I can with you. And with me. I know that my inner voice isn’t always telling me the truth, and I will be the first to admit that I’m not good at differentiating between truth and lies EVER, but especially not when they come from inside of me.
I will, however, always endeavour to speak my truth, whatever it may be. So maybe that’s all I have to offer for now. But it’s more than I was offering yesterday, and with any luck, there will be even more tomorrow. So that’s something, at least.
And hey, maybe if I choose to talk to you, you’ll understand that there’s something great about you that makes me WANT to.
Then, maybe someday, you’ll choose to talk to me, too.